Doppelganger: An Apparition or Double

I traveled throughout the United States as a software trainer/consultant for over three years.  Many friends commented at how lucky I was to be on the road.  I can tell you... it was hard work and wasn't all fun!

I discovered that there are many challenges with business travel:  learning to pack and unpack quickly; protecting your home life; staying connected with family and friends on very limited time; and keeping track at connecting airports of whether you were coming or going!

Have you ever seen someone you thought you knew?
(Photo credit:  LAX Doppelganger - Julia Noonan)

One day I received a text from our VP of Sales asking if I was at LAX.  She was in Los Angeles, assumed I was on the road again, and thought she saw me at the airport.

I happened to be at home for a week before my next assignment, which I told her.  She sent me a photo of the person she thought was me:  "Your doppelganger," she said.  (I love the word, doppelganger, but had to look up its meaning: "an apparition or double of a living person.")

Looking at the photo, I couldn't see myself... and wondered what she saw that I couldn't see.

How clearly do we see our world?
(Photo:  Alaskan Reflections - Larry Gardepie)

Over the years I have wondered about how clearly I see the world:

• Mistaking people or their names;
• Misunderstanding what people are saying;
• Misidentifying problems and solutions.

We each have our own learned way of categorizing people, places, and things... as a friend or a foe; feeling safe or threatened; accepting or rejecting guidance and correction.

And, at times... maybe... we can admit that we see only an apparition or a double of what is Real!

Are we willing to deeply explore what we see?
(Photo: Mirrored Reflections - Larry Gardepie)

Through curiosity and dialogue, I am trying to go deeper:  to listen for what I don't understand; to ask questions where answers are unknown; and to accept that I have made a mistake.  The importance -- for me -- of curiosity and dialogue is the ability to
continue learning:

• I may not have all of the facts.
• I might have missed what was important to that person.
  
• I must become comfortable with mystery and not knowing.

As we look at ourselves in the mirror this week, let's expect to see someone for the first time!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

 

 

Where Do Memories Belong?

Mom would mutter "That man!" under her breath whenever she pushed her walker past a closed bedroom door in our family home of over 40 years.  The man in question was Dad; the closed door was to the bedroom my older brother and I shared years before.  Steve and I grew up in a light blue bedroom -- very soothing for two young boys!

Years later Dad was sprucing up the house and decided to repaint the room.  The light peach color he selected turned out to be bright orange!  Dad, being color blind, didn't realize how jarring the color was!

Mom's solution:  keep the door closed!

How do you color your memories?
(Photo: Childhood Bedroom Emptied - Larry Gardepie)

Memories of our family home spilled out on the front yard after Mom passed away and later when Dad was gone.  Siblings and friends helped to arrange and staff the yard sales.  Memories Emerged as items were sold or given away and carried down the street... never to be seen again.  The last item to go:  our dining room table where so many meals, celebrations, conversations, and games occurred.

The hardest moment, though, was leaving the empty house for the last time and handing over my house key to my older brother -- the key that provided access since I was 10 years old.

Are your memories ever sold or given away?
(Photo:  Childhood Home Yard Sale - Larry Gardepie)

I recently heard the saying:  "Memories... they don’t belong to the house; they belong to us."  How true!  Years later I relish family memories -- no longer rooted in a place... but in my heart.

Is it the same with you?  Objects may remind us, but memories can be treasured and shared.  They also may prompt pain and suffering.  We may close the door to some memories; others may be carried away and never seen again.

Let us be kind to ourselves and with others as Memories Arise... after all, Memories Belong to us.

Where do your memories belong?
(Photo:  Childhood Home No More - Larry Gardepie)

The rest of the story?  A year after the house was sold, I was visiting Millie, our former neighbor from across the street.  She introduced me to the young couple who bought our home.  Their 3-year-old son picked my childhood bedroom:  he always wanted to live in a pumpkin!  "That man" created new memories for a young boy!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Prickly Situations

I assume that we have had situations where we didn't know what to say: harsh words at home; misunderstandings at work; an inability to find the right words.  I want to believe that this is a human dilemma that we all face.

The aftereffects are the prickly or difficult conversations that often are ignored or avoided... only to discover later on that the issues have not been resolved

Do you focus on the thorns or the flowers?
(Photo: Neighborhood Cactus - Larry Gardepie)

These thoughts were going through my mind as I walked around my neighborhood this past week.  I have been a consultant for a local nonprofit's leadership team for several years.  Supervisors talk through issues where they are struggling to find answers.  We discuss various approaches to their situations, searching for solutions that make sense for them and their employees.

What has surprised me is how often no action is taken: sometimes, the situation resolves itself; oftentimes, it is ignored!

How close do you get to the thorny parts of life?
(Photo:  Wrigley Memorial and Botanic Gardens,
Avalon, Santa Catalina Island - Larry Gardepie)

I wonder why we ignore difficult situations:

• We are overloaded and don't have the time or the energy?
• We hope the problem will disappear?
• We are afraid of making the situation worse?

I would agree that not all problems have easy solutions, and I could be convinced that distance sometimes allows people to step back and consider different approaches.

Can you see beauty in any situation?
(Photo:  Neighborhood Cactus - Larry Gardepie)

What confuses me is when some supervisors describe the same situation over and over... and have done nothing to explore or settle the issue.    Why no action when the issue hasn't disappeared, resolved itself, and is ever present?

In moments of confusion and not understanding, I turn inward and wonder how often I do the same thing!

As we face uncomfortable situations in our lives, maybe we need a family member or friend to point out our patterns... walk with us through these thorny patches... and encourage us to break our cycles of fear and inaction.

Just look at nature:  even the thorniest of plants have beautiful flowers to be discovered... and so do we when we continue to grow and blossom!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Darkness to Light

Have you ever been with family or friends, sharing stories or information, hearing a retelling of a familiar experience... and learning something new?  I hope the answer is "Yes!" for all of us!

I had that happen this past week:  I was out to dinner with three friends when one person revisited a difficult situation we all knew about.  Rather than cut off the narration, we listened, asked questions, and filled in what we knew.

What do you see in your darkest moments?
(Photo: Moonlight at Sea - Larry Gardepie)

Afterwards, I reflected on the Retelling:  I learned how...

• Listening and asking questions allowed depth to emerge. 
• Various aspects of the event took on newer significance in the retelling.
  
• Stories and meanings evolve as we get further from the event.

I also realized that I sometimes quicken a friend's retelling by jumping ahead and filling in the gaps!

Do the first lights of understanding change your perspective?
(Photo:  Morning Clouds - Larry Gardepie)

What was different about this evening was our ability to relax and amble along as the story emerged.  It felt like darkness was giving way to light... missing pieces of the puzzle were being put together gently by many helping hands.

 

By retelling the shared experience, we could revisit Unintended Hurts inflicted without conscious knowledge of doing so.  I asked forgiveness for words I had said months earlier when I didn't know this fuller story.

Is there a way to clear away confusion?
(Photo: Morning Clouds - Larry Gardepie)

Maybe Retelling offers us a way to practice a new set of R's: 

• Realization:  an openness to hear new information.
  
• Responsibility:  an acceptance of roles we may have played.
  
• Reconciliation:  an alternative to holding onto grievances.

As we listen to ourselves and others retelling familiar tales this week, let's take new paths through these stories.  There may be a reason why we are hooked on this story:  there may be a lesson or two more to learn!

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)