I was upset about something our neighbor was doing the other day: How could he be so inconsiderate? Doesn't he realize the affect it has on his neighbors? And what about the damage he is doing to the hedge that separates our properties? Doesn't he care?
These thoughts and questions were coursing through my mind and causing tension in my body. Then, another set of questions began to form: I wonder if he knows how I feel about this issue... or the hedge?
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| What rules have you learned? ~~ Click on image to enlarge ~~ (Photo credit: Pearls Before Swine, Stephan Pastis) |
As I began to slow down and consider a different line of thinking, I realized that my family made decisions based on our neighbors -- asking them questions, checking to see if this change might upset them. And, when it came to plants along the property lines, I remember listening to my dad as he talked to the neighbors about what they liked or didn't like. In fact, part of the discussion included who would be responsible for the plants - watering, fertilizing, pruning and weeding.
My parents' approach might have been influenced by their Midwestern values, or that my father grew up on a farm where neighbors helped one another, or that we had 6 children who could easily disrupt the tranquility of our neighborhood!
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| Are there rules you disagree with others? (Photo credit: Algorithm Could Predict Fights Between Couples Before They Happen, The Telegraph) |
Through my earlier lived experiences and observations I have accumulated a set of "rules" that make sense to me. These SCRs (socially constructed realities) may be based on family, neighborhoods, culture, nationalities, and education. As I stormed on in my mind about my current neighbor, I wondered which of My Rules were being challenged:
- Were these rules known and common to everyone?
- Was he aware of how I felt or what I was concerned about?
- How might we come to understand or agree upon Rules Shared?
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| What rules do you follow or not follow? (Photo: Old Town, San Diego, Larry Gardepie) |
Ever so slowly I looked beyond the immediate rule-setting and rule-following: I began to realize that I might be more of a Rule Follower than a Rule Challenger... and I see others through lenses of my expectations and assumptions.
- Are we willing to listen for the rules, expectations and assumptions projected on others?
- Can we dialogue about the Learned Rules that separate us and seek out Shared Values that connect us?
- How might we remove lenses that obscure what we see so that we might understand more clearly?
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| Larry Gardepie (click on link for website) |
