Rebuilding Who We Are

How far back do you know about your family tree?  Do you recall stories told by your parents and grandparents... and great grandparents?

When my parents moved our family from Iowa to California, the nearest relatives to our town were in the San Francisco Bay Area and Arizona.  We did what we could to stay in touch: expensive long-distance phone calls on birthdays and major holidays; periodic vacations to Iowa; and a weekend trip to visit our closest aunts and uncles.

As a child, the calls seemed too short and the trips were too long!

Who are you connected with?
(Photo: Family Tree - Larry Gardepie)

Though Family Connection was important, our church, school, and neighborhood communities were just as important!  Knowing that people could rely on you -- and that you could rely on them -- were social building blocks that provided stability and safety.

Recently, people down the street moved, the house was sold, and the new owners began removing the roof, walls, and landscaping.  Over time new foundations have been laid and the rebuilding process has begun.  We don't know their final plans.  Rather, we must wait and see what is revealed.

What social supports have you built?
(Photo: Renovation Project - Larry Gardepie)

Life provides many opportunities for us to get to know others, form friendships, and create a Chosen Family.  And, there are times when people leave us -- growing up, moving away, and passing on.  We must be ready to say good-bye and slowly rebuild.

For me, it's the waiting that is difficult:  waiting my turn among six children to talk to Grandma and Grandpa; asking "Are we there yet?" on the 3-day road trips to Iowa; holding back judgment when anticipating the neighbor's plans.

How do others see you?
(Photo: House in Coronado, California - Larry Gardepie

I want the connections to be fast, perfect, and permanent... and if I am honest, unchanging!  But, that may not be real!

This week, as I walk by the House-Being-Rebuilt, I will ponder how to practice patience in my connections... allowing friendships and foundations to settle... before I consider Who We Are and Who We Are Becoming. 

Please join me on this rebuilding project!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

The Power of Waiting

It is fitting to celebrate Betty White on her 100th birthday (January 17).  Her life's work is on display through TV reruns, YouTube recordings, books, and charity work.  People marvel at her longevity -- age, a career spanning 8 decades, and her positive focus on life.  In If You Ask Me, she describes how her comedic timing developed:

"I'd be sitting there as a kid, wanting to add to the conversation, wanting to jump right in with an idea, but if I blurted something out it might ruin the moment.  It taught me a lot about the power of waiting." 

Several images came to mind when I read this:

• Standing around a Vancouver's Gastown steam clock waiting for something to happen
• Sitting in the hospital during a loved one's surgery
• Listening to a friend's recent challenges

Are you willing to wait?
(Photo:  Gastown Steam Clock, Vancouver - Larry Gardepie)

I also thought back on the dialogue, mentoring, and mediation trainings I have participated in.  Each focused on the importance of listening... and waiting for a question to arise.  Through these trainings I realized how I am conditioned to give my perspective:  I am impatiently waiting for you to finish talking so that I can tell you about me!

 

The power of waiting allows us to slow down our responses, consider what we have heard, and allow a different interaction to occur:

• What did you mean by...?
• Tell me more.
• Help me to understand.
  
  

What is your perspective on...?
(Photo: San Francisco Mission District Murals - Larry Gardepie)

Waiting does not mean that we are disengaged.  It doesn't mean that we agree with another person's conclusions or decisions.  Rather, our role is to listen for connection and understanding; our responsibility is to respect and accept the similarities and differences.  We try to understand the conclusions and decisions by checking out the reasoning or experiences that influenced those endpoints.

 

The process of waiting gives us time to connect within ourselves as well:

• Why am I reacting so strongly to what is being said?
• Am I being challenged to reconsider my own values and experiences?
• What does this say about me -- in relationship with the person who is speaking?
  
  

What risks are you willing to take?
(Photo: Cliff Walk, Capilano Suspension
Bridge Park, Vancouver - Larry Gardepie)

Waiting is like crossing a bridge, taking a risk that something important is on the other side.  It means setting aside the comfort attached to our own thoughts and conclusions and inviting curiosity:  What divides us?  What can bring us together?  How can we learn to trust again?

Like Betty, may we learn the power of waiting, and may we take the risk to see the world through lenses of humor, caring, and love.

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)