Be Surprised!

Coming out of a restaurant last week with friends, we were caught off guard by a bright object racing across the sky.  We were near the airport, so some in our group thought it was a jet's contrail caught in the afterglow of the setting sun.  As we monitored the progress of this celestial body, we noticed pieces falling off!

It wasn't until I was home that I searched for recent launches from Vandenberg, the Air Force Base located almost 300 miles north of San Diego.  A Spacex Falcon 9 rocket had been launched at the time we were standing outside.

Has something unexpected happened in your life?
(Photo: Spacex Falcon 9 rocket from
Vandenberg AFB - Larry Gardepie)

It took a few minutes for the object to be out of sight and another 20 minutes for the contrail to disappear into the darkening night sky.  What remained?  I was transfixed by the timing and beauty of this unexpected sighting.

Being Surprised out of the Ordinariness of our lives is sometimes nice!  My friends and I stopped, watched, and wondered.  We talked about what we thought it might be, and we accepted the various options.  No one tried to convince the others:  we didn't know what we were seeing, so we listened and allowed curiosity to suspend our judgement.

What beauty have you encountered this week?
(Photo:  Cherry Blossoms - Larry Gardepie)

Like the various stages of the Falcon 9 rocket separating and falling away, being surprised opens us to possibilities by jettisoning routine behaviors and roles.

Being surprised can come in different forms:  later that same week, I was walking around my neighborhood with another friend.  We came across a beautiful, flowering tree.  We walk this route several times a week and had not noticed this tree.  But today it was magnificent!

Do you go out of your way to be surprised?
(Photo:  Blue Flowers - Larry Gardepie)

On another walk I saw a blue flower off the beaten path.  I was drawn to its unusual beauty, so I walked over to be closer.  I delayed my walk.  Time stopped.  I paid attention to its uniqueness, standing alone among the other plants.

I wonder:

• How many times are we with a friend and don't pay attention to that person's beauty?
• How many times do we have to be surprised into noticing the extraordinary ordinariness of life?
• How often do our rote patterns hide what is present all along?
  

Are we ready to be surprised this week?

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Be Sides

I understand that not everyone likes math but stay with me for a few minutes!  In high school Geometry, we memorized many theorems -- and maybe, understood some of them!  What caught my interest were the shapes of objects and the formulas that helped to measure these objects:  squares, circles, triangles...  and all their variations -- rectangles, trapezoids, spheres and cylinders (if we moved into three-dimensional objects).

The intersection of art (image) and science (measurement) intrigued me, especially when I heard similar observations in Biology and the other sciences.  Example: how nautilus shells and some flowers follow geometric patterns and measurements.

When are you -- we -- in equilibrium?
(Photo credit: Sides of Equal Length, SplashLearn)

No matter what age we are, we can still learn from math, science, art, and the social sciences.  For instance, observe the current discussion -- or lack of discussion -- surrounding what "woke culture" means or when is it appropriate to teach or learn certain subjects or DEI initiatives (diversity, equity, and inclusion).  Instead of allowing curiosity and exploration to guide us through each of these topics, people are demanding -- sometimes dictating and legislating -- one side or the other.

We are no longer focusing on theorems that need to be tested (methods we learned in school).  Instead, we are talking about who controls narratives, beliefs, and historical perspectives.

When do we invite others into our inner circle?
(Photo credit:  Bring People Together,
Growing Great Schools Worldwide)

As in last week's blog, Sides (click here to read), dialogue brings people together NOT to win people over... to one side or another... to a certain way of thinking... or to accept a specific value system.  Dialogue provides opportunities for us to hear or experience another idea, perspective, belief, or conclusion.

This interaction does not take away choice of -- or control over -- a Way of Being.  Rather, it invites us into the possibility of expanding... to stand beside (Be Side) a different way of being... to compare... to stay open... and then to choose.  

But the true choice is to stay in relationship... that is, to dialogue!

Are you and your ideas at the table for dialogue?
(Photo credit, Exchanging Ideas
in the Boardroom, Unsplash)

What emerges from dialogue might be understanding, curiosity, and more questions.  I notice that when I slow down my need for control or don't close the opportunities too quickly, another option emerges: how to stay in relationship!

Our invitation this week is to stand beside another person and see what she or he is seeing.  What questions arise? 
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Accepting What Is

This week has been about Acceptance... of information received; of what others have experienced or are experiencing; of what I cannot control... and Choice.  That is, accepting what is and making a choice on how best to respond.

Earlier in the week I had a conversation with a family member.  We talked about how we were raised, our family memories, and who we are now as adults.  We are no longer those younger siblings who grew up in the same house together.  We have changed.  (I want to believe we have matured!)

A few days later a childhood friend notified me that he has been diagnosed with advanced prostrate cancer.  I sat with his texts, recalled our childhood antics, and asked how I might be a friend.  His responses were uplifting as he shared his love for family, his faith in God, and his trust in the medical professionals.  He seemed at peace with the challenges before him.

How might I accept what is happening to a family member or a friend?

How do you approach stormy days?
(Photo credit:  Charles Schultz)

And today, another friend texted about losing his "dream job" unexpectedly and with no reason given.  For several days he has been trying to understand why it happened and did he do something wrong.  As we texted, I sensed a struggle between trying to understand and acceptance, questions that cannot be asked and answers not given, despair and relief.  Were these his struggles or mine?  Maybe with the holidays coming up, this was a Gift to be with his young family as he took care of himself and them?

How might I listen and be present when Mystery Remains Unknown?

Can you see beyond what is happening?
(Photo:  Morning Fog over San Diego Bay
- Larry Gardepie

It seems that Life Happens... in very unexpected ways... and then we have a Choice in how we will respond.  It's not fun being moved off-course of plans and aspirations we desire, but maybe the lesson is more about letting go, accepting, and being tender with ourselves as we consider... What comes next?...  How do we survive?...  Will we be okay?

Towards the end of our text conversation, my friend said that each of his last few jobs have been better than the one before.  And, he concluded, maybe the next one will be even better!

How might I listen for Hope and Surprises?

What choices can you make?
(Photo:  Carnival Panorama - Larry Gardepie)

Listening, asking questions, being present, and trying to understand opens us to the possibility of What Is... Next.

Maybe it is time this week for us to accept what is, know that we have the power to choose, and Expect to be Surprised!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Knowing the Unknown

Sitting in the hotel lobby, we watched as other travelers checked in.  We were joining a tour group the next day for an 8-day trip through several Arizona and Utah national parks.  We knew that 42 people were signed up for the trip.

Watching people and their bags, we made comments to one another:  "I bet they are on our tour." and "They look like tour people."  Our assumptions were based on age and luggage:  we assumed this would be an older group and we were supposed to have only one checked bag and one carry-on bag.

What stories do we create about what we see?
(Photo:  hotel lobby - Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas,
Larry Gardepie)

In reality, we only knew how many people had signed up for the tour and the stated baggage allotment.  The age group was an assumption based on similar pre-COVID tours, and we assumed that people would follow the baggage requirements.  We had arrived one day early to explore Scottsdale.  Our tour group didn't need to check in until the next afternoon, and we were leaving the morning after check-in.

Later in the day we were sitting in the lobby again, and we noticed a tour manager welcoming some of these same people, giving instructions, and providing additional information.  We asked this tour guide what was happening, and we found out that a separate tour (14-days) was checking in and would be leaving the day before us.

Where do we focus?
(Photo:  Hoodoos at Bryce Canyon, Larry Gardepie)

We were focused on our 8-day tour, so our observations, assumptions, and conclusions were based on what we knew.  What was unknown to us earlier:  several tours were leaving from this hotel over the next few days!

I wonder how often this happens to us:

• We focus on what we know;
  
• We make assumptions and conclusions based on these known facts; and
  
• We don't know other information that might change the outcome?

I also wonder if we are we willing to withhold judgment, check out our assumptions, and the stories we have created?

What is hidden from what we say to others?
(Photo:  Pulpit Rock, Zion National Park, Larry Gardepie)

 As we enter this new week, may we learn to:

• Hold Space within ourselves that other possibilities exist;
• Ask Questions to gather more information; and,
  
• Seek to Understand what we do not know.
  

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Sitting in Their Place

I don't think I am crazy, but this week I have been thinking about shoes!  Not that I need any more:  I have dress shoes, tennis shoes, and sandals.  Each has its purpose in covering and protecting my feet while walking, relaxing or going out.  The connection between shoes, coverings, and protection took on more meaning after a recent Dialogue Learning Group meeting.

One of our members talked about a practice she uses to pray for and understand another person:  as a person of faith, an educator, and a school principal, she notices when she is having difficulty with a child, parent, teacher, or church goer.  Rather than dwell on the misunderstandings or issues, she sits in their place -- whether the school desk, a classroom, or the church pew used by that person.

How often do you notice other people's shoes?
(Photo:  Sky Tower, Auckland, New Zealand, Larry Gardepie)

 As she sits, she prays and listens:

• What must they be feeling or thinking in this situation?
• How might I understand their perspective or problem?
• Can I see and hear differently to overcome what overshadows us?
  
  

Have you ever wondered what it would be like
to be someone else?
(Quote:  Roman Krznaric)

Sitting in Their Place is similar to the adage "Before you judge another person, walk a mile in their shoes."  But, for me, there is a practical action and a rhythm in Rayleen's practice:

• Stepping away from my comfort zone;
• Placing myself in the other person's home turf;
• Sitting quietly and listening; and,
  
• Praying for understanding. 

Am I willing to listen and learn?
(Quote:  Harper Lee)

When I honestly work at my dialogue practice, I experience a willingness to go beyond the coverings that protect me. Empathy replaces my judgments.  Curiosity and questions begin to surface.  The dualities of Right-Wrong and MyWay-YourWay are no longer relevant.

When do I trust and help others?
(Quote:  Manuela McFee)

Like young children who tried on the clothes of siblings or parents to see what fit, maybe:

• We can try on the coverings that other people use to protect themselves.
• We can look in the mirror of another person's eyes to see the connections that bind us.
• We can accept the life and struggles that define the human person.

Whether "Sitting in Their Place" or "Walking in Their Shoes," we are Called to Change.

 

May we pray for relationships, blessings, and peace this week as we sit together.  May we seek to understand.  May we find a willingness to change.

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

 

The Power of Waiting

It is fitting to celebrate Betty White on her 100th birthday (January 17).  Her life's work is on display through TV reruns, YouTube recordings, books, and charity work.  People marvel at her longevity -- age, a career spanning 8 decades, and her positive focus on life.  In If You Ask Me, she describes how her comedic timing developed:

"I'd be sitting there as a kid, wanting to add to the conversation, wanting to jump right in with an idea, but if I blurted something out it might ruin the moment.  It taught me a lot about the power of waiting." 

Several images came to mind when I read this:

• Standing around a Vancouver's Gastown steam clock waiting for something to happen
• Sitting in the hospital during a loved one's surgery
• Listening to a friend's recent challenges

Are you willing to wait?
(Photo:  Gastown Steam Clock, Vancouver - Larry Gardepie)

I also thought back on the dialogue, mentoring, and mediation trainings I have participated in.  Each focused on the importance of listening... and waiting for a question to arise.  Through these trainings I realized how I am conditioned to give my perspective:  I am impatiently waiting for you to finish talking so that I can tell you about me!

 

The power of waiting allows us to slow down our responses, consider what we have heard, and allow a different interaction to occur:

• What did you mean by...?
• Tell me more.
• Help me to understand.
  
  

What is your perspective on...?
(Photo: San Francisco Mission District Murals - Larry Gardepie)

Waiting does not mean that we are disengaged.  It doesn't mean that we agree with another person's conclusions or decisions.  Rather, our role is to listen for connection and understanding; our responsibility is to respect and accept the similarities and differences.  We try to understand the conclusions and decisions by checking out the reasoning or experiences that influenced those endpoints.

 

The process of waiting gives us time to connect within ourselves as well:

• Why am I reacting so strongly to what is being said?
• Am I being challenged to reconsider my own values and experiences?
• What does this say about me -- in relationship with the person who is speaking?
  
  

What risks are you willing to take?
(Photo: Cliff Walk, Capilano Suspension
Bridge Park, Vancouver - Larry Gardepie)

Waiting is like crossing a bridge, taking a risk that something important is on the other side.  It means setting aside the comfort attached to our own thoughts and conclusions and inviting curiosity:  What divides us?  What can bring us together?  How can we learn to trust again?

Like Betty, may we learn the power of waiting, and may we take the risk to see the world through lenses of humor, caring, and love.

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

The Ups and Downs of Language

Language has always fascinated me:  humanity's desire to label objects and thoughts -- often abstract ideas -- to communicate with others.  I have often wondered:  Who came up with that word?  Why is that object named...?  How is it possible that we understand one another?

I am also intrigued by people who study the origin and history of words (etymologists).  Being able to listen to a word and know what words have the same roots (like author and authority or expert and experience), and which languages influenced the development of these words... all in the interest of communicating, connecting, and conveying ideas as our knowledge expanded.

Sometimes I am aware of being on autopilot, though, when speaking to some people:  rather than approaching each encounter as a sacred event of Connection and Creation, I often experience only hot air (emptiness, exaggeration, or pretentiousness).

What effort do you make in the words you choose?

The ups and downs of our communication are further complicated by the foreign languages that we speak: our natural or native tongue from our family upbringing might be misunderstood when traveling beyond our familial boundaries.

A friend of mine served two years in Turkey with the Peace Corps.  He has many stories of teaching English and learning Turkish.  As he was sharing with me simple words like Yes (Evet) and No (Hayir), I noticed my mind recalling a hot air balloon trip I took many years ago.  The pilot would ask if we wanted to go higher.  For me, it would have been easy to respond to this English question with a Yes or No.  I wondered what the pilot would have done if a Turkish passenger had said Hayir (which, in English, sounds like higher... but in Turkish means no)?!

Can you rise above disagreements
and misunderstandings?

As we experience the ups and downs of language, I wonder if we take the time to:

• Clarify what we have heard;
• Share our understanding of what was said or what we interpreted; and
  
• Be willing to adjust our knee-jerk reactions or thought-out responses to the new information shared?

After all, you might be having a good time and wanting to go to the next level whereas my experience might be the opposite:  I might need the situation to gently slow down, get to ground level, before I can move on.  Being on autopilot risks our ability to navigate the currents that direct where our relationships go.

How might we navigate the currents
of different languages and ideas?

The wonder of hot air ballooning is the realization of how quiet it is to float above the noise and chaos on the ground.  When the fire burner is not heating the air, silence and tranquility settles in.  But, as the balloon floats over populated areas, the balloon focuses and amplifies the sounds below:  it is easy to hear a person talking hundreds of feet below!

 

A lesson in communication and dialogue:  the ability to float above the noise and confusion AND to focus on what is being said!

 

May we learn to center our attention this week on the words people choose.  May we listen to what is being shared and not shared.  May we seek to amplify a sense of understanding.
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Forever Touched

Having grown up in the Salinas-Monterey coastal region of California, our perennial field trip in elementary school was the Monarch Butterfly Sanctuary in Pacific Grove.  Gazing up into a forest of trees, all we could see were the gentle brown flapping of "leaves" -- not realizing that we were seeing the underwings of  thousands of butterflies.

We learned about their seasonal migration from Canada-U.S. to Mexico, and how we were connected to these delicate co-inhabitants of this planet.  Monarch butterflies were in our backyards:  they were neighbors traveling through our young lives.

In what ways are you being transformed?
(Photo: Monarch butterfly caterpillar)

It's been disturbing to read about the Monarch's plight these past years:  their numbers have been reduced drastically.  Scientists and researchers are worried about whether they will survive.  To help, we have been encouraged to plant milkweed in our yards - one of their sources of food.  It's not a plant that you want to get attached to!  The Monarch caterpillars devour the milkweed leaves to the point you only have stalks left!  But the leaves come back quickly, waiting for the next round of caterpillars to ravage the plant again!

A delicate cycle with a fragile balance in our partnership with nature.

How can you impact the world?
(Photo: Speckled Wood butterfly, Costa Rica)

I was reminded of this childhood fascination with the Monarchs when traveling in Costa Rica a few years back.  Part of our guided tour was through a rain forest sanctuary for butterflies.  The local people protect the rain forest and have created an eco-business based on sustaining life.  I was impressed at the knowledge and passion our guides had for their neighbors.

I recalled the Butterfly Effect defined in chaos theory: how small changes can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variations across the world.

Are your relationships webs of inclusions?
(Photo: spider web, Costa Rica rain forest)

Dialogue and relationships seem to be endangered in today's divided world.  We are quick to cling to our opinions and conclusions about others.  We label and make decisions based on differences.  We don't always protect an environment that feeds patience and understanding.  We sever ties with our neighbors when we disagree.

Seeing the brown underwings of the Monarchs as a child did not reveal the true beauty of the orange-black neighbors that graced our yards.  Instead, we had to learn the connection between the two, and we had to be willing to plant milkweed to sustain life.

What would happen if we allowed each other room to be transformed, to migrate to new places of understanding?  What action can we take -- no matter how small -- that will affect others?  How can we be forever touched by the beauty of our relationships -- the ups and downs of both sides of the whole?  How can our relationships create webs of inclusion rather than trapping and killing another perspective?

What are ways that we can nourish and sustain our neighbors?

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Do I Really See You?

Vacations are interesting phenomena: we invest energy and thought when taking time away from normal routines.  We may find ourselves on a Staycation; visiting family and friends; returning to places we have enjoyed earlier; or explore new sites, sounds, and cultures.  Whatever we do, there is a decision to take time off and try something different.

I was reflecting on this need to "vacation" -- to be unoccupied, to vacate, to escape, to explore, to rest -- as I embarked on a 7-day Alaskan cruise.  Deciding where to go was exciting.  Making plans on what to see was fun.  Considering the health precautions and risks brought uncertainty and caution.  Packing before and unpacking after the trip was a chore.

The actions of planning and preparing in order to relax and enjoy were stretching the experience of seeing anew.

What do you choose to see?
(Photo credit:  Peek-a-Boo is So Much More
Than Baby Giggles, Peek-a-Boost Play)

These thoughts ruminated as the ship's crew openly welcomed us onboard: for months this pandemic had ravaged the travel industry and their livelihoods.  Now, they were overjoyed to see us!

In Dialogue: The Art of Listening Together, William Isaacs describes the respect and recognition conveyed in the Zulu greeting, Sawubona (I see you):

“At its core, the act of respect invites us to see others as legitimate. We may not like what they do or say or think, but we cannot deny their legitimacy as beings. In Zulu, a South African language, the word Sawubona is spoken when people greet one another and when they depart.  It means “I see you.” To the Zulus, being seen has more meaning than in Western cultures. It means that the person is in some real way brought more fully into existence by virtue of the fact that they are seen. As in most indigenous cultures, the memory of a sense of participation in nature has not been completely lost. To say “I see you” is to sustain you in this world.”

 That sense of seeing and respecting the other person as legitimate is core to dialogue.

Can you see the light hidden within the other person?

 
Prior to the cruise, we were notified that:

• People had to be fully vaccinated 14-days prior to embarkation;
• Due to the Delta variant surge, masks were required in public areas (e.g., elevators, shops, entertainment venues, casino, etc.).
  

Though we were vacating and getting away from our normal routines, we brought our pre-vacation thinking with us:

• I have freedom to choose.
• Others cannot tell me what to do.
• You have to deal with me when I don't follow the stated requirements.
  

What are our challenges, then, in this politically diverse and pandemic-separated world?  How do we respect and see others as legitimate when I cannot vacate my thoughts or conclusions about you?

Is your focus on the clouds or the sun?

Navigating a dysfunctional world is sometimes like cruising through turbulent waters:  we have a choice when to go directly through the oncoming waves and when to change course and run parallel with the swells.  The oncoming waves will cause pitching and rolling; the parallel waves may cause us to travel a little longer as we decide when the conflict has lessened.

To really see another person, then, we may need to see beyond the actions... focusing on respect and legitimacy that is so often hidden.  We may need to travel a little longer to understand the actions and conflicts in a new light.

The challenge may be as simple as: I see you.  I respect you.  You are legitimate.  Now, let's try to understand the actions that cause us to pitch and roll with discomfort.

May we learn to bring others more fully into existence this week by sharing the Zulu greeting of Sawubona... I see you!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Sharing the Burden

These weekly blogs are my way of understanding our world... or should I say, "attempting to understand" what I have encountered this past week.  My reflections do not mean that I have solved, have figured out, or have truly grasped what is swirling around me.  This is one way for me to pose questions and insights for myself... and to seek your input and clarity.

Recently, I have been reflecting on the burdens that each of us carries:  sometimes silently shouldering the heavy weight of relationships gone awry; health issues that redirect our attention; or past stories that monopolize our time and energy.

I wonder:  because we intimately know our own stories and worries, how do we hear or understand another person's story... their burdens... what is weighing them down?

What burdens are you carrying?
(Photo credit:  Carrying Unnecessary Burdens, WBKO.net)

Why am I focused on burdens this week?  Mine haven't shifted, but I have had several texts or conversations with siblings, friends, and classmates from my 8th grade class.  As we listened together, the Stories Shared provided glimpses of similar and different experiences.  And, I noticed after each encounter, my problems seemed to lessen:  I was thinking about the other person, wondering how I could help, offering up prayers and intentions to stay in touch.

We really don't know what is going on in another life... unless we take time to reach out, ask questions, and listen.

Are you willing to tell your story?
(Photo credit:  Huddle Up: It's Story Time! -
The Many Benefits of Storytelling, Little Red Hen)

Also, I noticed that as a story was being revealed, my mind would jump ahead... filling in gaps of information, connecting the dots, and creating story endings.  In one instance, questions were asked, more of the story was revealed, and I found out how misguided my conclusions were!

I was using my life lessons and experiences to direct, filter, and complete another person's story.  The language of my burdens was distorting another person's reality.

When are you kind to others?
(Photo credit:  Heavy Burden, Pinterest - saved by Becki Albert)

On a side note, I find it interesting that so much time is spent streaming our entertainment, searching YouTube for snippets of topics that captivate us, and being addicted to our devices... yet excuses about limited time keep us from listening together to what is important.  Is it just me?  Or, is this strange?

Learning to share the burdens we carry may be the kindness that is needed right now: taking time away from our distractions to tell stories; listening and remaining curious; staying open to the endings as questions are asked; and walking away closer... together!

As a young mentor once told me, "We are a Pilgrim People" -- sharing the journey of life by walking together; caring for -- and carrying -- each other when the path is difficult.

May more of your story be revealed this week.  May your burdens become lighter as you talk to others.  May we be willing to travel through life with kindness.
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)