Quick To...

Okay... here's a fast word association game:

What is the one word that comes to mind when you hear this incomplete sentence:

I am quick to...

Do you have a word that completes: "I am quick to [your word]"?  Write your word down, and set it aside.

In what ways are you quick to respond?
(Photo: Comic Con street scene - San Diego, 2019)

To be honest, the word that completes my phrase is Judge... as in "I am quick to judge."  Even now, I am judging why that word came to mind first!  I have this built in -- or learned behavior -- to make a quick assessment or conclusion about a situation; I place a value on what I see or hear; I want -- or need -- clarity and boundaries.  In essence, I want to know if I belong or am safe.

I have noticed another word emerging in our world today:  people seem to be "Quick to Hate."  I wonder what is generating this emergence:  misunderstandings, inaccurate conclusions, fear... or maybe a desire that you BLM ("Be Like Me")?

How would you like to respond?
(Photo: Comic Con street scene - San Diego, 2018)

I wonder how many of us had different "Quick to..." words, like Love, Compassion, Respect, Accept, Bless, or Understand?  Did anyone say, "I am quick to be Curious"?

In past blogs, I have mentioned Chris Argyris' Ladder of Inference. (Click here to read MindTools' description of the Ladder of Inference.)

Can you respond in creative and life-giving ways?
(Photo: Sand Sculpture Contest - San Diego, 2018)

The Ladder is a tool to help us notice and understand many of our autopilot reactions.  A situation occurs -- which is based in reality and facts.  We begin to filter reality by selecting what we understand or can relate to.  As we move up the rungs of the Ladder, we interpret, assume, and make conclusions based on our selected facts.  We reinforce our beliefs and act accordingly.

Moving up the Ladder -- in my case -- uses my "Quick to skill":  I judge others.  To move down the Ladder and back to reality and the facts, I must develop other skills:

• I must become curious.
• I must discuss, understand, or accept other people's viewpoints.
• I must become compassionate or non-violent towards myself and others.

I wonder what your "Quick to" word is -- the word you set aside earlier.  And, what skill could be practiced to come down your Ladder?

Maybe we can set aside our "Quick to" words of judging, hating, and misunderstanding -- and practice new skills together of compassion, respect, and curiosity.

What do you think?

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Help Me Understand

For the past several years, long-time friends from elementary school have gathered virtually to reminisce on our childhood friendships and to catch-up on our lives.  Though we are different people decades away from our grade school years, there remains a kernel of who we were and are to one another.  I've been mulling over our last gathering:  at one point the conversation became much more serious than previous reunions.

Was it a reflection that we were ready to talk through today's complexities?  Were the differences in our current lives ready to stretch our past friendships?  Is there something hidden beyond the classroom and schoolyard remembrances?

Can you see beyond what you see today?
(Photo:  Balboa Park, San Diego, Larry Gardepie)

What I have learned about relationships in the intervening years since I was younger and more naive is the importance to value and accept people for who they are... their individual dreams, aspirations and experiences.  Mind you, I don't always remember these lessons!  Rather, I fall back into being anxious when not picked on a team or competing to be the best in the Classroom of Life or knowing that I have the right answer!

And, in the confusion of today's world, I find myself caught between opposing views or activists who require that I accept only their worldview.

I have to remind myself that I have moved away from the classroom and playground where the teacher or an adult moderated the environment... asking that we share the swings and balls and four square courts, allowing others who have raised their hands to answer the questions, and playing fair with one another.

Are you too close to a situation to see everything?
(Photo:  Dart Coffee Company, Santa Barbara,
Larry Gardepie)

Similar to our younger selves in the classroom and on the playground, I wonder if:

• We take some situations too seriously.
• There are instances when we do not see clearly.
• We may need to step back and listen.

In addition, maybe we could relax more, play, and have fun!

 

How can you step back and consider another perspective?
(Photo:  Dart Coffee Company, Santa Barbara,
Larry Gardepie)

A phrase that I learned and have come to value -- but again, I admit I don't always use:  Help me understand...  In this one phrase I am: asking for help; expressing that I don't understand; and when said with curiosity and humility, inviting you to share your thoughts and ideas.  In essence, the adult who moderated our classroom and playground environment surfaces within me:  can we live together and share what we know and understand?

May we learn to value and accept others.  May we play fair in thoughts, words, and actions.  May we help each other to understand.

 

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)