Sides

Do you remember as elementary school students when we were asked to "choose sides"... for sports teams, spelling bees, or to form study groups?  It was one thing when "the adult" (teacher or coach) selected the sides: Usually, it was based on where you sat in the classroom or "odd versus even" numbers.  The process to divide us seemed more random.

For physical education, though, team captains or leaders were appointed by the coach and these two people got to select their teams.  In these situations, many of us were chosen later in the process or at the very end.  Friendships or physical skills were key factors in being selected.

Whose side are you on?
(Photo credit:  quote by Veera Hiranandani, QuoteFancy)

There are many examples of how our society creates sides or divides us: professional sports, political parties, health status, age, religious and cultural groups... not to mention skin color and ideologies.

We cheer on our chosen groups and boo or ridicule "the Others."  We compete to win, and oftentimes we want to beat others.  We sit with or only listen to those on our team, in our party, or those who think like us.

Unlike grade school, though, when we went back to our seats after the spelling bee or contest -- re-forming ourselves back into "Our Class" or "Classmates" -- we remain separated in this Real World we co-inhabit.

Where would you sit?
(Photo credit:  Taking Sides, DepositPhotos)

Is divide and conquer part of our human nature?  Was it a survival skill we picked up along the way?  Or is something else emerging in our society where out-casting members of our race has become the norm? (Think of recent reality shows where voting people off the island and "You're Fired!" are now part of our lexicon.)

As a project leader at work, I had teams of people focused on specific tasks and outcomes.  Once we had accomplished our goals, people would return to their departments.  New teams were formed when other projects were identified.  There was continual movement of separating and coming together -- contracting and expanding -- based on the collective needs of the organization.

Do you find it difficult to not take a side?
(Photo credit:  Taking Sides, DepositPhotos)

The purpose of dialogue isn't to convert people over to your views or values.  Rather, listening and trying to understand another perspective opens all of us to possibilities:   Either-Or might transform into Both-And; Win-Lose could become Win-Win.

It's the elasticity of the rubber band that allows it to expand and surround whatever it gathers and holds.  When the band becomes too old and brittle or when it is stretched beyond what it can hold, it will break.

 I wonder where our elasticity is these days as we listen to people who think and act differently than us.  Are we too brittle and ready to break?  Or are we willing to nurture the elasticity that will hold us all together?

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Labeling By Surprise

Have you ever paid attention to the various labels used every day?  I guess at a basic level we are trying to describe what we are seeing and experiencing.  But, I wonder, how often we use words to box people in... to limit or bias the story-telling... to hurt or distance ourselves from others?

It's an eye-opening exercise to notice the labels you might use regularly or the ones you hear between family, friends or work colleagues:  male, female or non-binary; married, single or divorced; black, white, or BIPOC; straight or LGBTQIA+; energetic or lazy; trusted or shady...

The list goes on and on as we try to understand our world and convey thoughts and ideas to another person.

How do you see and describe your world?
(Photo credit: The Harmful Effects of Labeling People
(Ourselves and Others), Plus Finding Hope for the Future
- Leigh Aguirre, Registered Nurse at UCHealth)

I realize that even raising this to our consciousness might be labeled as Woke by some people... which raises more questions about what "woke culture" is and why it has been given a certain framework.  Words and actions are the ways that we communicate our thoughts and feelings to another person:  individuals trying to understand.

As an introvert, my thoughts are often jumbled or half-cooked when I decide to share ideas. Conveying intangible ideas by using language is almost like capturing smoke... as the smoke disappears!

Are we surprised by what we see or hear?
(Photo credit: Is a Surprise More Enjoyable
for the Receiver or the Giver?
- Nici Lucas, The Days of Gifts)

A dialogue practitioner mentioned to me recently her intention to "Keep space to be surprised."  That is, rather than becoming stuck on a word or label used by someone else, her hope is to become more curious, asking questions, and trying to understand the thought behind the word or label.

Rather than remaining on the surface level with the label, it may be more important to understand more deeply what the person is seeing and trying to convey.  Oftentimes, a label can be -- or is -- used to distract or separate us.  Questions and curiosity can focus and draw us together.

How can we bridge what divides us?
(Photo credit: Togetherness without being Together
- Abhineet Mittal)

Surprise might be the key to understanding the intangibles that we cannot see:

• What does that word or label mean?
• How is it being used?
• Why is this important to the other person?

Also, we may be surprised by what we discover when we ask questions, listen, and allow intangible ideas to transform into tangible actions of understanding.

May we be surprised this week when the smoke clears and our intentions are revealed.
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Separated No More

My mind is clearer when I am out on the water -- being able to release day-to-day tensions and projects unfinished.  A separation occurs between Past and Future, allowing me to focus on the Present -- what I am seeing now while floating along the waterways.

This theme of separation was on my mind as we left Hubbard Glacier and sailed out of Disenchantment Bay recently.  (What a great name for a bay!)

When do you feel separated from others?
(Photo: leaving Disenchantment Bay, Larry Gardepie)

Seeing the opening between two spurs of land that define the bay brought to mind the separation I sometimes feel between people:  great beauty is reflected by what is present but disenchantment defines the gulf that separates years of disengagement.

It takes an object like a bridge or a vessel to ferry people, product, and ideas across lands disconnected.  It may be similar with our own separations: we need ways to Bridge and Create Connection.

How willing are you to connect?
(Photo:  Juneau street, Larry Gardepie)

Walking along the harbor and streets of Juneau, Alaska, I noticed alleys that were actually named streets with stairs that connected the lowlands to the buildings hundreds of feet higher.  I marveled at the energy and ruggedness of citizens that braved the dark, cold winters... having to climb these stairs to get to the warmth of their homes.

So too, I reflected, are the distances we must travel when separated from others due to misunderstandings:  we must put more time and energy in taking the high road to discovery and attachment

Can you see light even in your darkness?
(Photo: full moon over Inside Passage,
Larry Gardepie)

As I reflected on the Present -- acknowledging the tensions and unfinished nature of life, I began to realize that possibilities and opportunities always exist to bridge or carry ideas beyond the barriers that separate.

Sometimes at our darkest moments, a Light persists that invites reflection and illumination.

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Boundaries and Possibilities

There's something beautiful and expansive about being out on the water... whether on a river, lake or the ocean.  My land-locked views of Southern California buildings, streets, canyons and mesas fall away and I begin to see beyond the limitations of this land-based existence.  The fast-paced freeways that connect cities disappear as a slower-paced rhythm of water travel allows me to consider a different way of Reconnection.

Even the darkest moments at sea -- when pinpoints of lights onshore or the even more expansive reaches of the star-filled skies -- invite a network of possibilities beyond my limited world.

In your darkest moments, do you see connection or separation?
(Photo:  San Francisco Bay Bridge, Larry Gardepie)

I enjoy these periods of Reflection:

• Who am I in relation to you and this world?
• Have I contributed to the well-being of people I encounter?
• What limits or separates me from the possibilities and potential of Life?

And, maybe most importantly in this time of Division and Separation, am I willing to change how I listen to and understand what blocks my relationships with those I disagree?

What barriers limit your potential?
(Photo: wake from ship, Larry Gardepie)

Slowing down and reflecting creates the Pause required to see beyond our limitations.  Other possibilities -- which may already exist -- can be seen more clearly when we don't rush past them.  We are able to encounter Choice that expands our horizons.  Barriers fade away, and we are left with more capacity to see beyond.

Is there beauty on your horizon?
(Photo:  Sunset over Sea of Cortez, Larry Gardepie)

Life is beautiful... whether at home with the normalcy of our days or on a brief holiday that expands our experiences.  Being lulled into the doldrums of inactivity and stagnation robs us of who we are Called to Become:  people connected to a common good; people created to look beyond our limitations and explore the horizons and stars; people invited into the possibilities of the universe.
 

May this week provide time to slow down, reflect, pause, and make a choice towards connection and healing.
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Reflections: Barred or Bridged?

Sitting on our hotel balcony looking out at San Diego Bay, I was aware of the bars that obstructed my view.  I realize the barrier is there for my safety, but sometimes it is a nuisance when I can't see clearly.  I could make an effort to see beyond the obstruction:  I could stand up to be above the barrier!

It's amazing how often I don't exert any extra energy to get beyond my limitations... of assumptions about others; meanings I've attached to what someone tells me; conclusions I've made about the erratic driver on the freeway!

What blocks your view of others?
(Photo:  San Diego Bay)

Barriers come in many shapes and sizes, and I can always rationalize how my reasoning keeps me safe.  But, walking along the shoreline, I noticed something different.  I became aware of the natural barriers around me: the sand that slows me down when I walk; the water that keeps me from the other side of the bay; and the distant mountains that hide what I cannot see.

Looking closer I saw boats scattered on the beach and a bridge that curved across the bay:  boats that could transport me... with effort... to the mainland; a bridge that could connect me to two ways of living (island life and urban sprawl).

What would help me to traverse the mountains in my life?

Do you see bridges or barriers in your life?
(Photo: Tidelands Park and San Diego-Coronado Bay Bridge)

Throughout the rest of the day I reflected on the barriers and bridges that I accept or construct.  Is it possible that I:

• Create the boundaries in my beliefs and attitudes?
• Build fences that separate where I feel comfortable or afraid?
• Limit the information that I take in about you and others?

That evening I was dazzled by the reflected light of downtown San Diego:  the water barrier earlier in the day became the instrument transporting the light to me!  Once we are aware of the barriers in our lives, we are invited to transform those into bridges of understanding.

What reflections touch you?
(Photo:  San Diego skyline)

After uploading this reflected skyline photo on Facebook many people liked/loved it!  We are able to learn from one another when we share our barriers to and bridges of understanding.

The important lesson I have learned is to share the image -- the bars, water, mountains, boats and bridges -- and let go.  Allow each person to choose which image speaks to them.  We can learn by observing what is liked and loved.

Moving from Thanksgiving to Gift Giving, may we learn to bridge the barriers that separate us!
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

The Distance between Knowledge and Ignorance

I remember the wonder of discovery as I was growing up: watching insects inch along the sidewalk; clouds floating across the sky; raindrops ripple the surface of a puddle.  Each encounter with the world expanded my knowledge and understanding of my surroundings.

Growing up in a family with six children provided other opportunities to learn: how to interact; how to give and take; how to share and hold onto.  Formal education expanded the dimensions of what could be learned: reading, writing, math, sciences, health and safety, history and geography, and civics.  Attendance, participation, and conduct seemed as important as the academic subjects. 

Grades measured our progress with the goal of advancing to the next class level.  Our accomplishments followed us:  shaping how others thoughts of us... or how we saw ourselves.

What do you see in retrospect?
(Seattle skyline)

Throughout these stages of self-discovery and with the understanding of the world I played and worked in, I have been nagged by what I know... and don't know.  Early on, as information was being poured into my brain, I sensed that there was so much more to learn.  As I moved from elementary school to high school and then on to college, my confidence grew about how much I knew!

The shift from the earlier excitement of exploration to attaining knowledge was subtle: the thirst to learn was ever-present but head knowledge often overshadowed the wonder of heart and soul.  Grades became the measurement; self-image became the container, shelves stacked with self-importance because of what I knew.

What do you know for certain?
(Miniature library, artwork on Nieuw Amsterdam)

Albert Einstein once said: "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."  What an interesting -- and humbling -- reflection from a person regarded as exceptionally smart!

The study and practice of dialogue challenges me reclaim our childhood curiosity:

• To look and learn
  
• To wonder and connect
• To stand in awe at beauty and mystery

 

When do you see clearly?
(Stephens Passage, Juneau, Alaska)

Maybe the knowledge we have gained from family, friends, and education is not the endpoint.  Rather, they are stepping stones between ignorance and knowledge and back to ignorance.  The movement and rhythm of Humble Inquiry into the unknown.

Our world is vast.  Peoples and cultures are complex.  Our insights and understandings are limitless.  I wonder if we are called not towards certainty but towards Unfolding Truth who invites us into continual discovery?  I wonder if attendance, participation, and how we conduct ourselves are actually more important than the knowledge gained?

May we look beyond the portals of our understanding and seek what we don't understand.  May we look beyond our head knowledge and become more open to heart knowledge and compassion.  May we embrace the Ignorance of Not Knowing and invite curiosity back into our lives.

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

 

 

War on Words

A friend and I traveled an hour north this past week -- the farthest we have driven in over a year!  We wanted to explore Old Town Temecula, the Temecula Valley wine country, and March Field Air Museum in Riverside.  Though only a relatively short distance from home, we experienced many differences as we cautiously stepped out into a Reopening World.

One change: encountering insensitivity and rudeness as some people focused only on their own needs to party, play loud music, and disrupt people around them.  Our words and actions did not matter:  we were faced with "Go Boomer" disconnects.

What images come from your words?
(March Field Air Museum, Riverside, California)

Are the Safety Bubbles we created around family and close friends no longer able to expand... no longer able to include others?  Will this be our new reality: a war of words, images, and reactions?

Mind you, this was our first excursion away from our home base.  Maybe we have become too sensitive!

I began wondering, though, about the recent mantra, "Words Matter."  If this is no longer relevant to some people, how do we trust what we see and hear?  How do we engage one another?  In other words:

• How do my words and actions influence others?
• Do I Hold Back, Hold Onto, or Hold Down others?
• Where is inspiration and encouragement?

How do you hold others down?
(Duck Pond, Temecula, California)

As we move outward to embrace a changed world, it seems that we must also face our inward understanding of that world:  the struggle between what we want or need and the hopes and desires of others.

Another change we encountered:  Temecula has placed white flags around a park memorializing community members who have died of COVID.  Names and dates on simple flags fluttered in the afternoon breeze, reminding us of people missing from our lives.  The change?  The wants and needs of others -- internally missed, externally shared -- are silently calling us back to Common Unity.

What words can heal?
(COVID-19 Remembrance, Temecula)

Like butterflies breaking free from the cocoon that encased them, maybe our emergence from our COVID bubbles can be just as transforming.  We are no longer the caterpillars that were earthbound.  Rather, we are called to rise on the breezes that free us... remembering, and moving outward.

Questions to consider as we encounter others in this new world:

• What did they experience this past year?  [Curiosity]
  
• Have they lost someone or something due to COVID?  [Empathy]
  
• How can I go beyond my own wants and needs?  [Connection]
  

May our eyes, ears, minds, and hearts listen and try to understand this new world.  May we seek transformation.  May we become the change we seek.

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

 

 

Missing Pieces, Missing Memories

COVID projects!  I am sure you've had your share of them this past year: cleaning out closets, garages, and storage units; unending "Spring Cleaning"; reorganizing and simplifying.  Going through picture albums and deciding which photos to scan in and which ones to discard is one of my ongoing projects.  It's amazing how many people or trips I no longer remember details... names, how we met, why that travel shot was so important at the time.

I have access to or kept cards and photos that were unique and have shaped who I am.

What has shaped you?

The interesting thing about cleaning out and simplifying are the Emotions of Remembrance: who we were; what influenced us; how we lived... in another time and place.  What shall I let go?  What shall I carry on?

It seems that as I remember, I also notice how much I don't remember.  There are missing pieces in my Life Story:

• Was I too young to know the significance of what was being said?
• Did I not have a context to understand?
• Why didn't I ask questions?

Missing pieces.  Missing memories.

What is missing in your life?

As I stumble through my dialogue practice, I am reminded over and over again how critical it is to develop and nurture Curiosity, the desire to learn and know about anything.  The skill of being inquisitive.

 

My grandparents and parents have passed from this life.  The stories that made them unique can no longer be told in their own voices -- what they experienced and understood to be true.  Fortunately, I still have brothers and sisters.  I am sure each has their own memories of Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, and Dad... from their own perspectives.  I must remember that each of their experiences is individual, rare, and true.

When is it time to listen?
(Photo Credit:  The Simple Guide to Caring
for Elderly People, Huffpost)

I am thankful for memories as I decide what to digitize, what to remember, and what to let go.  I now realize how important it is to pay attention to those around me.  Can I ask -- and pay attention -- to the stories that have shaped other people's Ways of Being in this world?

 

Maybe one lesson for our divided world is how we might want to come together -- with a desire to listen, ask questions, and hope to understand what missing pieces another person holds.  Only when we share these lessons can we put together who we were, who we are, and who we want to become.

As we feel the loss of missing memories, may we reach out to others and practice ways to become curious.  May we seek to hear and remember.

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)