Seeing Clearly: We Have A Choice

Wanting to fit in.  Being liked by everyone.  Having friends.  It seems this has been an early preoccupation of my life.  Maybe it still exists for some of us now that we are adults:  to belong.  I wonder if this is our primary occupation in life, how we choose to live our lives interconnected with others?

Navigating relationships has sometimes been difficult for me since I am fundamentally shy and introverted.  There seems to be so much uncertainty, so much left to the likes and dislikes of others.  I always wondered if there was a 'trick' to making friends, an initiation rite or test that had to be passed in order to be accepted.

Almost like when someone holds up a hand and asks how many fingers do you see?  Isn't the answer obvious?  Is this a trick question?  What does the person expect? 'Four fingers and a thumb' or 'Five fingers'?  Am I going to be judged by my answer?

How many fingers do you see?

I was worried in the fourth grade when I was sent to the Principal's Office for asking a friend what the teacher wrote on the blackboard.  I was confused when I found out I was not 'in trouble' but was asked to look at a chart and read the letters.  I was astonished when I tried on my first pair of prescription glasses and could see what others saw so clearly.  I was excited when I could see the blackboard so clearly.  But, then I was hurt and humiliated when the boys in my class called me 'Four Eyes', grabbed at my glasses, pushed me around to knock off the glasses.  I became the butt of jokes.  Was it wrong to be able to see?

People trying to help us... others hurting us.  There is a wide spectrum between these extremes, oftentimes based on how we see, experience, and understand the intentionality of the other person.  It seems that words and actions, conscious and unconscious, come in and out of focus as we listen and become more aware of Self and Other.

There are tools to help us see clearly

By practicing the Dialogue Skills, I am learning that I have a free choice in how I see and respond.  (See Dialogue San Diego posting of January 29, 2017 to review the Dialogue Skills.)  It is a matter of using these tools daily to slow down, notice and accept that my assumptions and interpretations may be blurring or hiding the facts.  This situation may require asking more questions before I respond.  Maybe I need to invite the other person to share her/his perspective.  Maybe there is no need to respond in the moment, but simply to listen and try to understand.

Our choice is whether or not we use these tools
to see clearly our family, friends, and coworkers

We have a choice in how we see our loved ones, co-workers, and friends.

• Will we listen to advice that is meant to help?
• Will we use the tools to see more clearly who we are, who others are, and how to remain in relationship?
• Will we allow others to help us move through the dark and restrictive times of life?

May this week open up times to sit quietly, to listen to words of encouragement, to see more clearly, and to make a choice to trust!

Larry Gardepie
Dialogue San Diego Consulting