Noticing Gridlock... and How We Respond

When I am with people who do not understand one another, I notice that I become more introverted and introspective.  I feel caught between differing viewpoints and loyalties.  I see and hear the tension.  I sense that there must be a way past the gridlock.  But how?

Growing up, I took on the family role of peacekeeper: helping others listen to and understand one another.  My empathy went outward, one directional... and I forgot about taking care of myself.

How, then, does a Recovering Peacekeeper respond to the gridlock or clashes between visions, ideals, and life goals?

Gridlock: when do you become overwhelmed?
(Downtown San Diego after July 4th fireworks)

Dialogue (Contemplative Dialogue / Active Engagement) balances three stances:  mindfulness or noticing; non-violence; and non-defended learning.

As I notice when I am overwhelmed with and react to gridlock, I must remind myself not to attack or harm others.  The same goes for how I treat myself.  Listening and responding in a non-violent manner allows me time to connect with the human experience: we struggle to be heard and understood.  When I notice and begin to live out of compassion, unimagined solutions begin to rise out of our encounter.  Systems change... because we are willing to change.

When the dialogue stances are aligned, I am no longer fixated that people must see the world as I do.  Instead, I begin to understand that we each have individual life journeys to complete.  Going another direction or believing differently no longer becomes the obstacle.

In these moments, I can pause... and learn from you!

Gridlock: when do you move in a different direction?
(Hiking up Diamond Head, Honolulu, Hawaii)

This Pause allows us time to consider other options to this gridlock.  The compassion and non-violence opens the possibility that I no longer need to defend my position or belief.  Explaining (advocating) my understanding gives way to letting others ask questions and explain their experiences.  I -- and We -- gain insights into this Situation-Experienced-Differently.

Gridlock: when can you see a wider view?
(Flying over Los Angeles)

Viewed another way:  Gridlock provides opportunities for us to puzzle together a solution that addresses all of our needs.  In fact, we may even be challenged to position ourselves above the gridlock so that we can gain a wider view of:

• Who we are;
• Where we have been; and, maybe more importantly,
• Where we want to go.

 
It takes all of us to share and grapple with our diverse perspectives.  It takes all of us to attain this higher perspective.

Just maybe, gridlock gives us this chance to pause... and notice... and see anew.

May this week bring mountaintop moments that allow us to move beyond gridlock, seeing the valleys below and the peaks beyond.

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)