Symbols, Meaning, and Inquiry

Does your family celebrate birthdays and holidays?  Mine does!  In fact, my parents made sure that our birthdays were special: the "Birthday Girl" or "Birthday Boy" selected her or his favorite dinner, birthday cake, and ice cream.  When I was nearing my teen years, I asked for pumpkin pie instead of a birthday cake.  I recall that my brothers and sisters told me I could not have pie: "Mom asked what kind of cake you wanted.  Who ever heard of a 'birthday pie'?!"

What I vividly remember is Mom asking me why I wanted pumpkin pie.  I told her that I have always liked pie more than cake, and that since my birthday is in November, pumpkin pie seemed appropriate.  That year, and many years after, Mom made sure I had "birthday pie." 

What symbols and meanings have you or your family created around birthdays, holidays or other celebrations?

Celebrating familial and cultural traditions

Flash forward about 20 years:  when I was the assistant director in Human Resources, a supervisor wanted to talk through a departmental issue.  In order to recognize each employee in her department, the supervisor began celebrating birthdays.  As the conversation progressed, she told me that one of her employees was adamant that she did not want her birthday celebrated.  The supervisor felt strongly that everyone should be treated and recognized equally.  Without a good reason, the supervisor planned to move forward and celebrate that person's birthday.

The employee then came to me, very upset about not having her wishes honored.  The employee shared her story: birthdays were reminders of painful moments in her family.  I called the supervisor, and maintaining confidentiality, I explained the importance of respecting each employee's wish. 

How do you handle situations when another person does not honor a symbol that is important to you or understand the meaning you have attached to it?  What happens if that person has an equally understandable meaning for the same symbol?

Listening: memories and symbols may be different

Practicing dialogue requires that we are actively engaged in the process - not in the sense of talking, filling in the emptiness, making assumptions and creating our own meaning.  Instead, dialogue requires:

• Actively noticing:  becoming aware of self and others; and,
• Asking questions:  seeking understanding and shared meaning. 

The Ladder of Inference as a dialogue tool helps us pay attention to our immediate reactions and emotions.  In many instances, our emotions indicate that we may be higher up the rungs of the Ladder, and thus, further removed from the facts of the situation (found at the base of the Ladder).  Once we are aware that our emotions and reactions have kicked in, we may want to slow down and ask:

• What cultural or familial filters (symbols and meanings) have I added to the situation?
•  What assumptions and conclusions have I made?

Just think: the further up a ladder you go, the more precarious is the footing!  In fact, most ladders have a sign near the top rung: Caution!
 

Have you seen something different?
Were you looking the other way?

It seems that the stories and meanings that people have attributed to Colin Kaepernick sitting or kneeling during the national anthem have taken on a life of their own!  People's reactions have been swift, varied, and sometimes extreme.  Since so much of our information comes from printed, electronic and social media, it is difficult to actually dialogue with the sources of the symbols and meanings.  After all, how many of us have had the opportunity to actually meet and talk with Colin, asking him what his actions meant or hearing about his pain?  It seems we make conclusions based on...?

One printed story impressed me, though:  the reporter met with Colin and asked him, "Why?"  And, when the reporter wrote his story, he simply described the encounter, the question, and Colin's answer - in Colin's own words.  The reporter let the symbol and its meaning sit, to be read and reflected upon.  No judging, no additional interpretations or meanings.

Web of Inclusion: we are all interconnected

In the case of the birthday cake:  I experienced a mother asking me a question, and listening to my response.  In the case of the department birthday celebration:  I had the opportunity to ask the questions, and listen to the supervisor's and employee's answers.  In the case of media stories:  where and when might we ask our questions, and how do we listen?

Dialogue - active participation.  By asking questions.  By listening, with compassion.  By accepting another person's symbols and the meanings attached.  By actively reflecting on what stirs within when symbols and meanings are different.  By engaging non-judgmentally in a conversation that values each deeply-held belief.  No person and experience of life is devalued: each person is engaged.  Dialogue - active interconnection.

This week, as we listen to the sources where we gather information, we have the opportunity to practice by using the following:

• I notice... and I wonder...  (What questions come to mind?)
• I am aware... and I assume...  (What meanings have I attached?)
• I would like to check in...  (What other possibilities are present?)
• What is the motivation?
• What is the intent?
• Why is this important? 

May this week allow opportunities to actively practice: noticing, listening, and reflecting on those times when another person experiences life differently.

Larry Gardepie