Vacation Dialogue: Stumbling into "Her Story"

Travel invites me to go beyond myself: I realize how much I don't know about other countries, peoples, and histories; I gain appreciation of the richness of other cultures; and I glimpse briefly the immense beauty of this world.

Grandeur of the open seas

As I return from recent travels, I find that I continue to reflect on the lessons learned through these Self- and Other- discoveries.  I assumed that being "on vacation" would allow time to practice the Dialogue Skills at a leisurely pace.  What with time and a slower pace of daily life, I thought that I could observe and reflect with more deliberateness.  But, life happens!

Sometimes life seems to be a chess game

I was surprised on my first day of vacation at how little I knew, and how difficult dialogue is!  After roaming around, taking pictures, and enjoying the new environment that would be "home" for the next several weeks, I was sitting with a friend enjoying dinner.  Midway through our meal, a couple sat down at the table next to us.  Almost immediately, the woman leaned over to talk.  I was expecting that we would share pleasantries typical of public dinner settings.  Instead, she told me "to tell him" (my traveling companion) to delete any pictures of her that "he" may have taken.  I was stopped short:  Who is this woman?  What pictures was she referring to?  Why didn't she talk to "him" herself?  What gave her the right to accuse and demand?

This first encounter seemed unbalanced, out of kilter, skewed.

Kubuswonig ("Cube Houses"), Rotterdam

With each of her monological statements, I found myself becoming defensive, leaping quickly up my Ladder!   Questions immediately came to mind but before these could be voiced, she finished by stating that she didn't have to explain herself, repeating that I should "tell him" to delete any pictures of her.  The conversation, if that, was all one sided.

I sat back confused!  Sometimes the dialogue we seek is a shadow of what is really happening.  How can we dialogue when another person doesn't invite questions?  How do we deal with our assumptions and the other steps of our Ladders of Inference while we remain blind to what another person is thinking, feeling, or attempting to convey?

Dialogue sometimes seems to be a "shadow"

Towards the end of the meal when we were getting ready to leave, I asked the woman if it was reasonable to expect a shipload of people not to take her picture?  She grabbed my arm and held me, stating that it wasn't up to me to question her request.  She was asking that "he" delete the pictures.  Again, my defendedness blinded me: "he" has a name!

Over the next few days I found that I was reliving the first day's encounter:

• Why was I so engaged in what I considered an "unreasonable" request?
• How would I respond if I encountered her again?
• What would happen if we unknowingly took a picture with her in the background?
• Should I change my behavior to accommodate her? 

Upon reflection, I realized that I oftentimes walk around burdened by the weight of my many Ladders.  The stories I create become his-stories, her-stories, my-stories and our-stories that separate and influence future responses.

As we journey through this next week - whether working, playing or vacationing, maybe it is time to look up, notice the Ladders we carry, and allow ourselves to see new realities.  And, instead of being silenced by the stories that separate, maybe we can let go of these shadows and come a step closer to accepting the request to delete these digital memories that have captured us.  There is freedom in looking up and letting go!

Ceiling of St. Peter's Cathedral (Trier, Germany)

If you travel this summer, be safe and enjoy moments of discovery!

Larry Gardepie