History Tells Us: Where Life Takes Us

An elementary school friend and I have been meeting (virtually) every month for most of this year.  Our families knew each other through the church and our parish school.  We had a similar upbringing but then went our own ways in high school and followed our college interests.  Fifty years later we've reconnected.

When we began meeting, we knew we were different people than our childhood memories... but the question for each of us was: how have we changed? 

Which way is she facing?
(Photo:  Perceptions and Illusions, Facebook download)

Over a course of three months we talked about our family values (foundations), our religious or spiritual communities (inspiration), and the filters that define who we are now.  It was only then that we began talking about the more serious topics that govern our country and influence our worldviews.

We talked about the following guidelines before discussing these topics -- the "sandbox" we created to play in:

• Listening and asking questions to understand;
• Respecting the other person's lived experiences; and,
• Trying not to persuade the other person on one way of thinking.

When do you doubt your confidence?
(Photo credit:  Self-doubt and Self-confidence, Facebook download)

It's been a wonderful experiment in dialogue:

• Can I stay in relationship with someone who may have differing views?
• How do I respond when I feel tension or am uncomfortable?
• What happens when I doubt long-held beliefs?
• Where do I get my information? 

 One lesson I learned:  "Listen for the story." (Thanks, Darcy, for adding the aspect of My Story / Our Story.)

What are your "Don't Forgets"?
(Photo credit:  Don't Forget, Madalyn Beck)

Each of us has a story to tell:  the roads we have traveled; the hardships and challenges; the triumphs and lessons learned.  Being true to our personal values is important: being true to communal values is equally important.

What isn't always discussed, though, is the finite time and physical dimensions that limit us:  what it means to be human!  The only way I can move beyond My Limitations is to move from My Story to Our Story.  This means that I must respect Your Story.  As we listen... and learn from one another, My Story, Your Story and Our Story grow.  In other words, we learn to See Other in other.

Where has your life taken you?  How can I learn from you?

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

More Irish Musings: Across the Divide

Is the name of the city "Derry" or "Londonderry"?  That is one of the questions we encountered when traveling in Northern Ireland!

It's a matter of who you are talking to:

• For the Irish Catholics, it is Derry (or Doire, a monastic settlement founded by St. Columba and dating back to the 6th century);
• For the Northern Irish Protestants, it is Londonderry (renamed in the 17th century when King James I settled Protestants into the northern counties).

To be respectful, our tour guide suggested, we should say "Derry-Londonderry" to any locals we meet.  (Derry-Londonderry is sometimes referred to as " The Hyphenated City.")

When are we separated from others?
(Photo: Peace Bridge (2011), Derry-Londonderry,
Northern Ireland - Larry Gardepie)

A fact of life in Derry-Londonderry: the Catholics live primarily on one side of the river and the Protestants live on the other.  Our local guide mentioned that he has many friends who stay only on their side of the river and have never met people from the other side.

In 2011, a new walking bridge was constructed to connect the two sides.  It's name -- the Peace Bridge.  The bridge has two towers which hold up the suspended walkway.  Depending on where you stand on the bridge or either shoreline, the towers look either separated or connected (crossing over).

This is meant to symbolize how close or far apart peace can be depending on where you stand -- and/or -- if you are willing to move.

Can we see when we are connected?
(Photo: Peace Bridge, Derry-Londonderry,
Northern Ireland - Larry Gardepie)

As you enter town, you cross over an older bridge and pass by the Hands Across the Divide artwork.  It portrays two men reaching out to each other -- not quite touching.  Erected in 1992, these statues symbolize reconciliation, healing, and the hope for peace.  (Note:  the Good Friday Agreement that allowed peace after centuries of struggle wasn't signed until April 1998.) 

Hands Across the Divide (1992) and the Peace Bridge (2011) remind us of the hope before -- and the continued process after -- a bridge -- or hyphen -- of respect, understanding, and peace is created. 

What keeps us divided?
(Photo: Hands Across the Divide (1992),
Derry-Londonderry - Larry Gardepie)

I wonder how many hyphens we encounter in life?  Just think of those little bridges that connect thoughts, ideas, and people's names; ways that we allow more than one belief to coexist; or how we try to respect another person.

This week let us look for hyphens or create bridges across the divides that separate and isolate us.

These hyphens and bridges may be more common than we think!  Let us work for Peace! 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

 

 

Fragile Bubble Ideas Bursting

Cartoonists will use a bubble with words to display the characters' thoughts.  In our western culture, we have been taught to read left-to-right and top-to-bottom, so we read the frames of the comics and the thought-bubbles in that order.

Knowing the Rules helps us understand the sequence of ideas that is conveyed by the artist.  But that doesn't always work in the Real World!  Everything isn't always in sequence and orderly.

Try to read a comic strip from right to left or beginning in the middle:  you won't understand the comic's intent!

To many people who don't know us or our mind-set ("rules"), our thoughts may seem like soap bubbles that are created and float away.

How fragile are your thoughts?
(Photo:  Bubble Man, Sydney, Australia - Larry Gardepie)

Like a wave crashing on the shoreline, thoughts make their mark and then recede, leaving afterthoughts that soon fade away... or not, depending on the force of impact and duration!

Ideas, thoughts, and assumptions are similar.  They are fragile and momentary... until they solidify into conclusions and ideologies forced onto others: misunderstandings and misconceptions that burst forth and mark that other person.

Are there ideologies crashing against your values?
(Photo: Crashing Surf, Kona, Hawaii - Larry Gardepie)

Like it or not, we are living in a world of competing -- or warring? -- sides, each trying to destroy the other's way of thinking.  The issue I find with this approach?  Dialogue to understand another perspective is missing.  We are living in a Take No Prisoners approach!

To be successful in dialogue, we must honor and respect our values and what is important AND, at the same time, respect and honor the other person and their thoughts and ideas.

Are we being called to live with purple bubbles?
(Photo: Glass Spheres, ms Zaandam - Larry Gardepie)

I am struggling:  it seems like we have limited the coloring of our Fragile-Bubble-Making understanding of life with only Reds or Blues.  I am left wondering if we are missing the point of life:

• Transforming ourselves into something better;
• Balancing our views away from extreme positions;
• Seeking a way to move from Either-Or thinking to Both-And.

Is it possible to create rules that expand our understanding -- the convergence and mixing of all ideas -- while honoring and respecting both.

What would happen if our fragile thoughts and ideas were marked with a new Way of Being:  Respect, Honor, Kindness, and Acceptance.

Your thoughts?

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

Breaking Away

Falling and Returning seem to be recurring themes in our physical world: leaves dying and falling from the trees; gravity pulling objects back to solid ground; glacier calving and ice shelves splintering as water returns to the ocean.

These thoughts came to mind as our ship cautiously moved among the icebergs and ice flows of the Antarctic Peninsula.  Magnificent... Inspiring... Awesome... these words didn't quite capture the Beauty Surrounding us as we were invited into Nature's Cycle of Life.

What words would describe the Beauty Surrounding you?
(Photo:  Antarctic Icebergs and Ice Flows - Larry Gardepie, 2023)

The biting winds and chilly waters could not dissuade us from the open decks as we took in the majestic wind-swept vistas.  Our ship's ice pilot and the research scientists shared with us what might be seen, and encouraged us to be observant, to wait, and to be patient.  Also, they impressed on us the importance of Respect (of the environment; of what we don't know; of icebergs that could damage our vessel).

For many of us, this was our first time in this part of the world.  Everything was new and exciting!  Their guidance added to our sense of Anticipation.

Are you a distant spectator in your relationships?
(Photo:  Antarctic Iceberg - Larry Gardepie, 2023)

I have always been introverted.  This aspect of my personality allows me to sit back and observe others and what is happening around me.  What I have discovered as I have practiced dialogue -- and sometimes, failed! -- is that Dialogue has its own life cycle.  It is not a spectator sport.

Yes, it is sometimes important to fall back, listen, and question my way of thinking... but it is equally important to return to the relationship and actively develop curiosity about what I do not know.  I must be willing to learn from others.

Do we respect what could hurt us?
(Photo: Passing alongside an Antarctic
Iceberg - Larry Gardepie, 2023)

Falling and Returning are aspects of Breaking Away from behaviors that separate us and respecting patterns that melt away our resistance.  Whether we are ready to admit it or not, we need one another... especially when we encounter complex problems.  Each of us has information to share:  without me or my information you may not succeed!

Questions to ask ourselves:

• Do we want to see the Beauty Surrounding us... in the people we meet?
• Are we willing to engage... by seeking out information that challenges us?
• What are we able to contribute... that respects all perspectives?
  

Let us approach each situation this next week with a new mindset that excites us and helps us to anticipate falling, returning, and breaking away.

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

 

 

All Hallows Within

Autumn is a time of change: moving from a season of growth and activity to a season of harvest and slowing down.  In many places, you can feel and see the change... in the crispness of the air, the colors of nature, fall sports, and the clothes people wear.  

Change... a time for reflection.

What have you harvested this season?
(Photo: Autumn Scene, Old Town San Diego
- Larry Gardepie)

In ancient Celtic times, people would dress up in costumes and dance around bonfires to ward off ghosts and evil spirits.  As the Christian faith spread, these pagan rituals were adapted into holy days of remembrance -- remembering those who have gone before us, the Saints and Souls of our Holy Ones. 

It was a reminder of "all hallows": seeing and celebrating goodness; a reminder that all people have Sacred Worth and Value.

How do you celebrate your goodness?
(Photo: Halloween Decorations, Encinitas, California - Larry Gardepie)

But I have to admit, it is sometimes difficult to see the goodness in others!  Our news, movies, TV programs, and stories are built around those ghosts and evil spirits that also inhabit us -- the Good-and-Evil, Win-or-Lose struggle that we encounter every day.  It's as if we have to point to someone else for creating the mess we find ourselves experiencing:  "The Other" who hurt us and continues to cause us pain.

I wonder:  could we use this seasonal transition to reflect on the Sacred-that-We-Encounter -- even in those people who may have wronged us?

Can you build an Altar of Hope?
(Photo: Día de los Muertos altar, Old Town San Diego - Larry Gardepie)

One way of celebrating All Hallows is through Día de los Muertos altars.  Watching people build their family's altar, I have noticed the reverence and respect accorded deceased members.  Yes, death is present, but the focus is on the goodness of the ancestors who gave life and hope to current family members.  It's a celebration of life and the sacrifices made for one another.

Who would you honor in your altar?  What stories of goodness would you share?  How would you experience the Sacred in your midst?

I wonder:  is it time to build an Altar of Hope?

All Hallows to you!
  

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Quick To...

Okay... here's a fast word association game:

What is the one word that comes to mind when you hear this incomplete sentence:

I am quick to...

Do you have a word that completes: "I am quick to [your word]"?  Write your word down, and set it aside.

In what ways are you quick to respond?
(Photo: Comic Con street scene - San Diego, 2019)

To be honest, the word that completes my phrase is Judge... as in "I am quick to judge."  Even now, I am judging why that word came to mind first!  I have this built in -- or learned behavior -- to make a quick assessment or conclusion about a situation; I place a value on what I see or hear; I want -- or need -- clarity and boundaries.  In essence, I want to know if I belong or am safe.

I have noticed another word emerging in our world today:  people seem to be "Quick to Hate."  I wonder what is generating this emergence:  misunderstandings, inaccurate conclusions, fear... or maybe a desire that you BLM ("Be Like Me")?

How would you like to respond?
(Photo: Comic Con street scene - San Diego, 2018)

I wonder how many of us had different "Quick to..." words, like Love, Compassion, Respect, Accept, Bless, or Understand?  Did anyone say, "I am quick to be Curious"?

In past blogs, I have mentioned Chris Argyris' Ladder of Inference. (Click here to read MindTools' description of the Ladder of Inference.)

Can you respond in creative and life-giving ways?
(Photo: Sand Sculpture Contest - San Diego, 2018)

The Ladder is a tool to help us notice and understand many of our autopilot reactions.  A situation occurs -- which is based in reality and facts.  We begin to filter reality by selecting what we understand or can relate to.  As we move up the rungs of the Ladder, we interpret, assume, and make conclusions based on our selected facts.  We reinforce our beliefs and act accordingly.

Moving up the Ladder -- in my case -- uses my "Quick to skill":  I judge others.  To move down the Ladder and back to reality and the facts, I must develop other skills:

• I must become curious.
• I must discuss, understand, or accept other people's viewpoints.
• I must become compassionate or non-violent towards myself and others.

I wonder what your "Quick to" word is -- the word you set aside earlier.  And, what skill could be practiced to come down your Ladder?

Maybe we can set aside our "Quick to" words of judging, hating, and misunderstanding -- and practice new skills together of compassion, respect, and curiosity.

What do you think?

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Honestly... To Be Fair

I'd like to check something out with you: when using words like "Fair" and "Respect," how are you defining those words -- and in relation to what?  For instance, I can hear echoes in my mind about "That's not fair!" but the voice seems to have child-like tones, and the memories are usually when I was treated unfairly or disrespectfully.  To be fair, there have been times when I have looked outward at situations when others were treated unjustly and inhumanely... but, to be honest, the majority of the time I am referencing me and my situations!

I wonder how often our mental models are formed -- and remain anchored -- in past situations:  rooted in childhood and centered on how we were treated?

How do you define "Fair" -- and in relationship to whom?
~~ Click on image to enlarge ~~
(Photo credit: Baby Blues, Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott, 02/03/23)

It makes sense that our responses to situations are shadowed by individual experiences, but what happens when we encounter Situations Unknown that require a more Collective Response?  What skills have we developed to help us bridge these Past Echoes and learn to Look Beyond ourselves?

I can't always stop these voices.  After all, I learned how to survive and flourish in the environment of my childhood.  Moving outward, I have learned to notice these tapes playing, and to wonder if there is a broader vision of fairness and respect that goes beyond me.

As we grow older, we are called to look outward at a larger horizon... even when there are clouds that shadow what we see!

Can you get beyond the clouds that shadow your horizon?
(Photo:  Cloudy Ocean - Larry Gardepie)

The skills of observing and noticing give us time to pause and reflect on what we hear -- those inward tapes and outward voices; see -- treatment of Self and Other; and understand -- justices and injustices.  Through these skills, Awareness surfaces and begins to recolor the past and bring brilliance to the present.

How can we see anew the beauty around us?
(Photo: Ocean Sunset - Larry Gardepie)

As we move into this next week, our invitation is to notice when fairness and respect are not present, and to balance the pendulum away from Only Self and Only Other.  Our challenge is to honestly treat everyone fairly.

Peace to you and your Loved Ones!
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Who Stole What?

Holiday music and Christmas specials are filling the airwaves, jostling for our attention as we navigate this post-COVID "new normal" world that we live in.  San Diego's Old Globe Theatre is presenting two favorites, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and "Ebeneezer Scrooge's BIG San Diego Christmas Show" -- favorites that draw in children and adults alike.

Memories of Christmas Past bubble up at this time of year:  family and friends, darkness and cold weather, festive lights and inner warmth remind us of what we have... and may no longer have.

What do the holidays mean to you?
(Photo credit:  How the Grinch Stole
Christmas, Dr. Seuss)

The Grinch and Scrooge teach us of the transformation that can happen when we listen and consider:

• Why we remember important moments in our lives;
• The role family, friends and community have in shaping our beliefs; and,
  
• How we want to live and respect other traditions and peoples.

These stories suggest that even the meanest and most cold-hearted can change.

 

Where are we chained to in the Past?
(Photo credit:  Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol)

But even in the midst of this holiday cheer, there may be feelings or struggles that challenge us:  the frenetic energy and busyness of getting everything done; comparing What Was with What Is and wanting more; or missing people who are no longer physically present.  Sometimes an emptiness pierces our well-being, reminding us... that we are human!

Is there a way to pierce the darkness
with Light and Goodness?
(Photo credit:  Rare Cosmic Event
Beamed Light to Earth..., CNN.com)

 What I have been learning at this holy time of year:

• Be Kind... to Self and Others.
• Listen and Consider... that we are all doing our best.
• I -- and We -- have Sacred Worth and Value.

Happy Holidays (Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Ōmisoka/New Years) as we celebrate Light, Birth, First Fruits, Gifting, and the Sacred in our world!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Wandering and Wondering

This is the first time in over 5 years that I have had difficulty writing this weekly blog!  Normally, I write about what I am noticing that week:  conversations with friends and loved ones; encounters with strangers in public areas; reflections as I consider my past and present... wondering about our future together.

This week, though, I am overwhelmed with scenes of unrest, harsh words, and anger; political parties with differing agendas; people watching and reacting (or not) to the January 6th hearings and SCOTUS decisions; COVID lingering in our midst...

As we move on with our daily lives, I wonder if we are ignoring the seriousness of this moment in time.  Are we seeking to return to Normal... but haven't realized the Past Normal no longer exists, has disappeared, or has been destroyed by our anger or indifference?

What foundations in our lives need to be repaired?
(Photo: wharf destroyed by fire, Astoria, Oregon,
Larry Gardepie)

I am aware of a numbness in my outlook.  My ability to consider solutions, seek advice from others, or look for possibilities is being challenged with the circumstances we face as a society.  An example of inconsistencies I am noticing:  just a few months ago, one group of people was frustrated and angry when choice was taken away from them (having to wear a mask in public settings or get a vaccine in order to keep a job).  Now, other choices are being eliminated or threatened to be taken away... and some of these same people are on news outlets celebrating decisions to remove these choices from others.

I understand that there is a fine balance between individual rights, decisions being imposed on others, and what is good and proper for everyone.  I wonder, though, do we notice when our own views tip the balance in our favor and away from another person's beliefs?

Where do you have balance in your life?
(Photo credit:  Miyoko Shida Rigolo, Georgia's Got Talent)

I have questioned since grade school why one person or group has to dominate or always WIN... forcing the other person or group to be humiliated with LOSS:  we celebrate our win but are oblivious to the pain being felt by others.  How might we walk together... and away from this dualism of domination, bullying, and having to conquer?

We have several choices before us:

• Are we willing to stay in relationship with people who experience life differently?
• Can we set aside our ignorance, disbelief, anger and violence to ask questions and seek understanding?
• Are we able to coexist and treat everyone respectfully?

Are you willing to wander with others
as we try to understand what is happening?
(Photo credit:  British crinkle-crankle wall, deMilked)

Maybe it is time to set down any weapons of violence, disrespect, and dislike.  Maybe it is time to sit down and discuss our numbness, our confusion, our vulnerability.  Maybe it is time we realize... we need one another!

 

What would it be like to:

• Accept diverse ideas and opinions?
• Move away from Win-Lose, Right-Wrong, and Either-Or thinking?
• Strive for Both-And solutions?

I wonder... is it possible to balance individual and societal needs... of acceptance, worth, value and respect?  I believe the answer is "Yes!"

How are you feeling?  What do you think is happening?  Will you wander and wonder with me? 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Do I Really Hear You?

After last week's reflections on whether I actually see -- and respect -- others, I began wondering about what I hear:

• Do I hear only what I want to hear? -- or --
  
• Am I truly open to hearing -- and listening -- to other points of view?

Yes, I admit, there are times when the volume of arguments is so loud and deafening that I close down, walk out of the room, and protect myself.  Also, there are times when I just don't want to listen.  Or I convince myself that I don't have the time or energy to engage an opposing insight.

I wonder what percentage of time I actually listen to and try to understand others?

What causes you to close down?
(Photo credit:  17 Reasons People
Aren't Listening to You, Inc.com)

Studies show that humans have a remarkable capacity to filter out and focus on specific sounds and stimuli.  We also can justify and rationalize any kind of response and behavior.  The diversity of thoughts and opinions almost seems infinite as we think or feel through very complex situations.  If we have the capacity to filter out or close down, I assume that we also can focus in and open up!

What happens, though, when we treat our thoughts, opinions, and conclusions as fact?  When we don't want to explore the facts of a situation?

Are there distractions that keep you from hearing?
(Photo credit:  Where Music and Empathy
Converge in the Brain, Mind & Body)

 A few definitions to consider before continuing:

 

Opinions:

• Beliefs or judgments that rest on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
• Personal views, attitudes, or appraisals. 

Facts:

• Something that actually exists; reality; truth.
• Something known to exist or to have happened.
  
  

How can we open ourselves to listen with intention?
(Photo credit:  Chinese Listening Practice -
Why and How to Get Started, FluentU)

Dialogue requires us to differentiate between opinions being shared and facts or truths that exist.  Being able to listen -- and ask -- about the certainty of concepts or thoughts we express allows us to come to a shared understanding:

• Ah... this is your opinion.
• Oh... that is a fact.
• I wonder... what do we (together) know for certain versus what you or I (individuals) believe?

Seeing and hearing invites us into Sacred Respect.  We may not agree, but...

• Are we willing to stay in relationship?
• Can we consider another viewpoint?
• Is it possible that other opinions or conclusions have validity?

 

Maybe respect is the key to unlocking how we live together: seeing and hearing the Sacred Worth and Value of each person.

 

What do you think?

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Do I Really See You?

Vacations are interesting phenomena: we invest energy and thought when taking time away from normal routines.  We may find ourselves on a Staycation; visiting family and friends; returning to places we have enjoyed earlier; or explore new sites, sounds, and cultures.  Whatever we do, there is a decision to take time off and try something different.

I was reflecting on this need to "vacation" -- to be unoccupied, to vacate, to escape, to explore, to rest -- as I embarked on a 7-day Alaskan cruise.  Deciding where to go was exciting.  Making plans on what to see was fun.  Considering the health precautions and risks brought uncertainty and caution.  Packing before and unpacking after the trip was a chore.

The actions of planning and preparing in order to relax and enjoy were stretching the experience of seeing anew.

What do you choose to see?
(Photo credit:  Peek-a-Boo is So Much More
Than Baby Giggles, Peek-a-Boost Play)

These thoughts ruminated as the ship's crew openly welcomed us onboard: for months this pandemic had ravaged the travel industry and their livelihoods.  Now, they were overjoyed to see us!

In Dialogue: The Art of Listening Together, William Isaacs describes the respect and recognition conveyed in the Zulu greeting, Sawubona (I see you):

“At its core, the act of respect invites us to see others as legitimate. We may not like what they do or say or think, but we cannot deny their legitimacy as beings. In Zulu, a South African language, the word Sawubona is spoken when people greet one another and when they depart.  It means “I see you.” To the Zulus, being seen has more meaning than in Western cultures. It means that the person is in some real way brought more fully into existence by virtue of the fact that they are seen. As in most indigenous cultures, the memory of a sense of participation in nature has not been completely lost. To say “I see you” is to sustain you in this world.”

 That sense of seeing and respecting the other person as legitimate is core to dialogue.

Can you see the light hidden within the other person?

 
Prior to the cruise, we were notified that:

• People had to be fully vaccinated 14-days prior to embarkation;
• Due to the Delta variant surge, masks were required in public areas (e.g., elevators, shops, entertainment venues, casino, etc.).
  

Though we were vacating and getting away from our normal routines, we brought our pre-vacation thinking with us:

• I have freedom to choose.
• Others cannot tell me what to do.
• You have to deal with me when I don't follow the stated requirements.
  

What are our challenges, then, in this politically diverse and pandemic-separated world?  How do we respect and see others as legitimate when I cannot vacate my thoughts or conclusions about you?

Is your focus on the clouds or the sun?

Navigating a dysfunctional world is sometimes like cruising through turbulent waters:  we have a choice when to go directly through the oncoming waves and when to change course and run parallel with the swells.  The oncoming waves will cause pitching and rolling; the parallel waves may cause us to travel a little longer as we decide when the conflict has lessened.

To really see another person, then, we may need to see beyond the actions... focusing on respect and legitimacy that is so often hidden.  We may need to travel a little longer to understand the actions and conflicts in a new light.

The challenge may be as simple as: I see you.  I respect you.  You are legitimate.  Now, let's try to understand the actions that cause us to pitch and roll with discomfort.

May we learn to bring others more fully into existence this week by sharing the Zulu greeting of Sawubona... I see you!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)