Rebuilding Who We Are

How far back do you know about your family tree?  Do you recall stories told by your parents and grandparents... and great grandparents?

When my parents moved our family from Iowa to California, the nearest relatives to our town were in the San Francisco Bay Area and Arizona.  We did what we could to stay in touch: expensive long-distance phone calls on birthdays and major holidays; periodic vacations to Iowa; and a weekend trip to visit our closest aunts and uncles.

As a child, the calls seemed too short and the trips were too long!

Who are you connected with?
(Photo: Family Tree - Larry Gardepie)

Though Family Connection was important, our church, school, and neighborhood communities were just as important!  Knowing that people could rely on you -- and that you could rely on them -- were social building blocks that provided stability and safety.

Recently, people down the street moved, the house was sold, and the new owners began removing the roof, walls, and landscaping.  Over time new foundations have been laid and the rebuilding process has begun.  We don't know their final plans.  Rather, we must wait and see what is revealed.

What social supports have you built?
(Photo: Renovation Project - Larry Gardepie)

Life provides many opportunities for us to get to know others, form friendships, and create a Chosen Family.  And, there are times when people leave us -- growing up, moving away, and passing on.  We must be ready to say good-bye and slowly rebuild.

For me, it's the waiting that is difficult:  waiting my turn among six children to talk to Grandma and Grandpa; asking "Are we there yet?" on the 3-day road trips to Iowa; holding back judgment when anticipating the neighbor's plans.

How do others see you?
(Photo: House in Coronado, California - Larry Gardepie

I want the connections to be fast, perfect, and permanent... and if I am honest, unchanging!  But, that may not be real!

This week, as I walk by the House-Being-Rebuilt, I will ponder how to practice patience in my connections... allowing friendships and foundations to settle... before I consider Who We Are and Who We Are Becoming. 

Please join me on this rebuilding project!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Living in the Past... or the Present?

I am in the process of helping with a 65th anniversary of my elementary school.  Part of this celebration will be an alumni reunion for graduates of the school.  When explaining how I keep busy, several friends have asked in several different ways:

• Why are you interested in the past?
• What do you have to talk about?
• Isn't this strange to relive grade school years?

I do admit it is unusual, but I don't find it strange... and there is plenty to talk about... that is not in the past!

What gets your attention?
(Photo:  Parochial School "clicker")

One amusing example: everyone from a certain age group in my school wants to know what happened to the "clickers"!  Now, on the surface, this could be seen as sharing old memories from the past.  The clicker was an instrument the religious sisters would use to get our attention.  When dealing with 35-40 energetic students (with no classroom aides), the Sisters would "click" this wood-and-rubber-band device and everyone would stop and look... and, without raising their voices, our teachers would calmly explain the lesson of that day.  (I do know from some classmates that the "clicker" sometimes inhabited their nightmares!)

What I find interesting about this memory is how I learned to pay attention... and how, to this day, I stop when a certain sound happens... a click!

What gets your attention?
(Photo: variegated rose - Larry Gardepie)

It's that connection of past to present that intrigues me: the ability to stop and pay attention; the awareness that past values still influence us today; that curiosity and wonder started when I tried to figure out how the clicker worked... and why energetic, young children would stop so suddenly.  (My elementary school experiences were not with wooden rulers or erasers thrown at you... horror stories I have heard from others... but a "clicker.")

For me, why do I stop when I see a beautiful flower or a sunset?  Once I slow down and pay attention, the memory lingers and becomes part of me: connections of past and present!

What gets your attention?
(Photo: Champagne Waterfall - Larry Gardepie)

Why am I interested in the past?  That question is almost like asking if the glass is half empty or half full.  For me, it's not about the contents in the glass.  Rather, it starts with gratitude that I have a glass... and then, the hope that the glass will be filled up again!

The past informs who I am in the present.  It's about understanding connections... and reconnecting.  It's about understanding what is happening in this crazy, chaotic world right now by looking back at who I was and what I learned to value.  It's about how I learned to pay attention, and what gets my attention now.

May we discover anew this week:  who we were; who we are; and who we are becoming.  Let's reconnect!
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Connections

Over the past several weeks, I have been working on reconnecting with classmates and friends from grade school.  Our school is celebrating its 65th anniversary this year so a few of us have begun planning an in-person reunion to help celebrate this milestone.

In the process of searching for alumni and gathering contact information, I have noticed that long-forgotten memories have begun surfacing:  favorite teachers and subjects; birthday parties and sleepovers; spelling bees and competitions.

Looking back, it seems like life was simpler, naive and more carefree.

Are you aware of what connects you?
~~ Click on image to enlarge ~~
(Photo credit:  Bizarro, Wayno & Piraro, 04/26/23)

But was it?  For our parents and teachers, they were in roles of providing for our well-being, education, and safety.  Our role was to learn and follow the structures and discipline that was provided.  The complexity and simplicity probably depended on the role and responsibility of each person.

I am finding that these earlier connections are still present -- even though dormant these many decades as I moved on with my life.  Memories of graduating from elementary and high schools, then on to college... first jobs... graduate school... and a career.  At each stage, it felt like jumping off a cliff -- freedom and fewer safety nets; unknowns but a tangle of old and new connections; adventures but a similarity when I landed.  Connections -- both complex and simple.

When do you feel the most unconnected?
(Photo:  Mazatlan cliff diver - Larry Gardepie)

The Structures Learned and Connections Remembered provide solace in moments of uncertainty.  Paying attention and making decisions rooted in previous experiences allowed us to swing like Tarzan and Jane through our childhood -- moving from our childhood Family Tree to a broader Tree of Life.

The importance, I believe, is noticing what has illuminated the paths we have chosen -- what we have held onto or let go... connections.

What helps to illuminate your path?
(Photo:  Nighttime departure, Hilo, Hawaii - Larry Gardepie)

Understanding the connections between Self and Others allows us to discover what is good and desirable.  Strengthening the connections that support and challenge allows us to learn and grow.  Seeing and listening allows us to connect information and test its validity.

I wonder... why are so many people these days trying to break the connections of structure, discipline, lessons learned and remembrance?

What are your thoughts?  Let's reconnect!

 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Seeking Direction

One week into my retirement and I am still in transition!  After a few days away, I found it difficult to return home.  I am finishing a project for my former employer and have a few consulting assignments to organize, but the daily routine of what to do when is no longer the same.

The habits of a lifetime have suddenly been altered with the decision to retire.  What direction shall I go?  What is important today?  How shall I use my time?

Where do want to go?
(Photo:  signpost, Los Angeles' Sister Cities)

All of these decisions are in my hands... as they always have been!  I am noticing, though, that when I was working every day, I was probably relying on autopilot: knowing what to do, what meetings to attend, and how to prepare.  As my skills and knowledge expanded, I added other tasks to my routines and patterns.  Once comfortable with the expanded workload, I sought more challenges.  Change happened, but it was subtle and hidden in the daily workload.

How interesting to be at that time in life where so many of those habits and practices have been erased... waiting to be rewritten with today's surprises, choices, and decisions!

What paths have you chosen?
Which have been erased?
(Photo: beach on Coronado Island)

Was it the familiarity of the autopilot that produced a false sense of security and direction?  Maybe my current understanding of retirement and transitions could have happened earlier:

• Noticing the daily choices that are ever present;
• Consciously making decisions that bring life and connection;
  
• Seeing the bridges that need to be crossed.

It might be that awareness and choice are keys to the transitions we face each day.  Turning off the autopilot and observing.  Having the courage to make choices.  Being open to change in ourselves and others.

Can you see the bridge of connection?
(Photo: Penelope facing San Diego-Coronado Bridge)

The foundations of Dialogue invite us to notice, to pause, and to choose.  Through the interchange of ideas, opinions, and conclusions, we begin to understand:

• Who is important in our lives;
• What values bring direction; and,
• How we want to stay connected and in relationship.

We cannot do this reflection alone.  Dialogue requires a willing partner!

As we begin each day, may we become more aware of the growth and evolution that occurs with each encounter.  May we be willing to change, allowing the other person space and time to adjust.  May we seek bridges of connection and directions toward acceptance as others change as well.
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

The Wonder of Knowing

Listening to this week's Impeachment Trial I am struck by how little of the story I know fully, am willing to hear, and want to believe.  Watching the replays of the January 6th U.S. Capitol riot were painful, reliving those moments of reality and shock:  This is America today?  This is US?

In a way it was a relief to have the wound open, to actually see how deep our divisions are.  But what next?

I wonder:

• Is there a desire to heal?
• Are we willing to talk through what happened?
• Can we sit and notice the pain and unbelief, directions that are not yet clear?

Are there times when your thoughts are cloudy?

 
Like many of the Senators, though, our minds seem made up.  We leave the room.  We doodle.  We check our texts.  We see through our individual or group-identified filters, assumptions, and conclusions about The Other, not willing to consider another story.

 

I wonder:

• Am I willing to sit in my discomfort and listen?
• Are the transgressions so vast that I cannot take one step closer to you?
  
• Can I choose to look through other windows when mine become dirty or cloudy?

What filters keep you from seeing clearly?

It is true:  each of us must rely on the moral compass or value system that guides us.  But the challenge, I believe, is whether that compass or system excludes other meanings and conclusions.  There may be boundaries we deice not to cross... but does that mean we cannot try to understand what happened?

 

I wonder: 

• Has there been a time in my life when I was ALWAYS right?
• When have I ALWAYS known what to do?
  
• Do I ALWAYS see clearly the decisions I make... and their impact on you? 

 

When can you be your Authentic Self?
(Photo credit:  Twins are Becoming Less Common
in U.S., for Good Reasons, MedicineNet)

 
As we sit and notice the discomfort or shock in various parts of our lives, maybe the invitation is to WONDER:  to ask questions of ourselves and others; to listen and apply what we understand to the moral compass and value system; and to consider whether ALWAYS is the best way of knowing the truth.

 

Maybe the Wonder of Knowing is in the discovery of who we really are:

• People who want the best for self and others.
• People who cause pain to self and others.
• People who need forgiveness and healing.

 
May we seek to know and be known as we truly are!  May we wonder!
 

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)

Frozen or Missing the Connection?

Our world relies so heavily on being connected: phones, computers, mobile devices...  And since COVID, internet speed and stable video connections have become critical for team meetings, online classes, church services... and Happy Hours with friends!

Recently, a friend and I were having an online meeting when one or both of our images would freeze and the audio would become garbled or would go out entirely.

At first we weren't sure if it was an individual router, if it was system-wide, if it was the video conferencing service...  The list of what could be the problem and how to troubleshoot seemed endless!

How do you know when communication is frozen?
(Photo credit:  Top Icy Faces from Canada's Winter
Running Scene, Running Magazine)

   

But, what was the most frustrating: after we corrected the issue the first time, we assumed we had a good connection and continued with the meeting.... then it would happen again.  We would troubleshoot, fix the problem, assume we had a good connection and continue with the meeting!  After the third or fourth repetition, we stopped and talked through other options.

Reflecting on our situation, we noticed that neither of us said anything early on.  We would become distracted, trying to fix the problem on our side.  We did not immediately tell the other person what was happening.  In fact, on my part I even tried to piece together the part of the conversation I heard... and started filling in the blanks of what I did not hear!

Do you ever wonder what is below the surface?
(Photo credit:  The Largest Icebergs
in History, The Active Times)

  

It wasn't until one of us shared that our connection was freezing and we had missed whole parts of the Story Told, that the Story Untold was revealed:  the issue wasn't individual but was shared.

I wonder:  how often, when we encounter a problem, do we immediately describe what we are experiencing?  Or do we try to solve the problem individually?

 

After all, there may be more going on below the surface!

Is it time to unfreeze any relationships?

 In Moments of Vulnerability we begin to realize our need to:

• Share what we are seeing or what is happening individually.
• Recognize that more may be happening below the surface.
  
• Acknowledge that a broader solution may be needed to reconnect.
  

Just think:  if we choose to sit individually with a problem... we just might become cold, wet, and frozen... together!

As winter weather settles in, may we learn to connect by warming up our relationships -- inviting people in, sharing food and drink, and allowing vulnerability to reconnect us!

Larry Gardepie

Dialogue San Diego Consulting

(click on link for website)